Terror Train (1980)

Review

The movie opens with not a whiff of a train. Seems we are in a flashback situation with a New Year's Eve bonfire party heating up at some frat house. A number of the frat boys, who all happen to be pre-med, convince the required nerd Kenny that he's in like Flynn with hottie Alana. Gosh, and didn't we all know this would be a setup by those wacky frat boys? Kenny is quickly down to his jockey juniors as Alana beckons him with "Come on Kenny, don't be shy - it's my first time too. Kiss me Kenny!". Kenny, who clearly adds dumbness to his nerd credentials, leaps into the sack to find he's putting the moves on a decomposing corpse. I was actually going to add in a "stiffie" joke here but thought that would be way too obvious. Anyway, Kenny lets those roos loose in the top paddock and is consigned to the nuthouse for some deep therapy.

We jump forward three years, so maybe that opening wasn't a flashback, where we find that all the people from the first scene, sans whack-job Kenny, are boarding a steam train. It's New Year's Eve and graduation time, so the frat boys are throwing a fancy dress party on rails. Pity there wasn't a character called Ruby because ... oh never mind. Ominous signs are in the air with David Copperfield playing David Copperfield, now that's terror right there, and Kenny, having just escaped the nuthouse, being on the loose.

Well its not going to be all shooters, playing a bit of hide the sav, and getting up to those teenage high jinks for our frat pack. Seems there's a killer on the train and he or she is about to make some vacant places at med school. Anyone else think Kenny might have smuggled onboard our train of terror? Ready to ride the rails?

I've actually been wanting to catch Terror Train ever since learning scream queen Jamie Lee was once again going all final girl on some Psycho's arse in this 1980 slasher from Canada. Finding a copy proved slightly more difficult than anticipated, but I finally tracked one down at a JB sale. Must say the actual film, while not being the quiet riot I expected, has made my top ten of unintentional gay-orientated horror flicks. Terror Train is simply awesome in terms of the Writer and Director probably not realising how gay the final product appears to your standard audience member. Heck, this film could put on a skirt and run a float at the Mardi Gras parade down in Sydney. Yo, lets go all YMCA over this forgotten slasher flick.

David Copperfield singled handily kept the U.S hair spray industry afloat through the 1980s

Terror Train does offer us something not seen before in a slasher, namely the killer wearing different disguises, take that Jason Voorhees. Each time the Psycho does some bit player in, he/she dons the victim's costume. I actually thought that was a pretty good touch, though ultimately pointless, as nothing is really done with the device. The movie does also offer us David Copperfield, playing himself, and showing off one of the worst 1980s hairdos ever conceived. For no apparent reason the writer thinks he can fool us into believing Copperfield is Kenny and is thus the killer. We all know he isn't, you wouldn't go to the trouble of applying what would appear to be five cans of hair spray to keep that "do" in shape if you were intent on culling the herd, but when we do find out who Kenny is it's so left field that I was immediately reminded of Ed Wood using his chiropodist as a stand in for Bela Lugosi in Plan 9 From Outer Space. The person whom Kenny disguises himself as clearly starts the movie as a rather curvaceous chick. And if you think that's the gay content then I have further news amigo, cross-dressing is the least of our concerns here.

I should mention, I guess, that there might be the odd spoiler in this review; heck, Terror Train isn't good enough to really recommend not putting in spoilers.

What really puts the film into the homo on the range hall of fame is the relationship between Mo, defined by being the rich kid, and Doc, the movie's required obnoxious character who we don't like. Doc on a couple of occasions tries to finish off Mo and Alana's already rocky relationship while informing Mo that he'll always have Doc's cock or some such. Now just how gay does that sound, and maybe the two need their own private carriage. When Mo finally falls victim to the rampaging Kenny, darn it gave away the major plot point, Doc hits the emotional outpouring like some demented drag queen on crack cocaine. Talk about throwing emotion to all four winds, this is almost Shakespearean in intensity. Oh, and in gayness. Doc is somewhat less emotional when he learns his partner Mitchy has also meet the fearsome Kenny.

The icing on top of this particular Mardi Gras float is of course when we discover that Kenny has spent large parts of the movie in an evening gown. A cross-dressing killer, how very de Palma! Which of course, if we were slightly dishonest, brings in the question of David Copperfield's sexual persuasion and/or attire for a Friday night out. I'm not going there as that's how internet rumours get started, as poor Jamie Lee can attest.

Seems I've almost outstayed my welcome with this review, but hey ho, only a few more things to cover. Kenny is on my list of top ten worst serial killers in the movies; he gets his arse tossed off the train twice by the little gal, and let's face facts here, Mikey Myers would die of embarrassment if this happened. Interestingly enough, Jamie Lee faced up to the top worst killer ever in Prom Night, so Mikey must have given her a few pointers on handling herself in slasher flicks.

Ben Johnson (the conductor) gets top billing, basically because he has been in more flicks than I've had hot meals. Comparatively he does the business, but acting isn't the strong point of Terror Train. Jamie Lee Curtis (Alana) actually had a very busy year in 1980, besides the current movie she also faced another serial killer in Prom Night, and ghostly revenants in Carpenter's The Fog. Once again Jamie pulls it off and gives good final girl. Hart Bochner (Doc) was irritating but his hair was scary. David Copperfield (Ken, the magician) was simply creepy, and also had scary hair. Derek McKinnon (Kenny) would be hard pushed to scare your five year old, amazingly bad casting choice. While finally Sandee Currie (Mitchy) and Timothy Webber (Mo) were simply wooden in undemanding roles.

One of the amazing things I learnt from this movie is that you can fool people into thinking its set in the U.S. by simply waving a couple of "stars n stripes" flags around in an early scene. Wow, convinced me, I kept expecting the Statute of Liberty to make an appearance. Also Terror Train nailed one aspect of horror flicks that I was unsure of: yep, the black dude ain't going to make it to the closing credits!

On the T&A front, besides Jamie prancing around in tight pants and showing her bra in one scene, ooohhh pretty risque there Ms Curtis, some blonde chick shows off her hooters and knickers. The ladies get Copperfield looking all intense and mysterious, but that's more creepy than anything.

Well I finally got around to seeing Jamie Lee in Terror Train and have to say the movie kept me interested throughout its running time. Okay, everyone knows who the killer is, but that disguise Kenny wears is simply the most left field development I've ever seen in a movie. So the acting is bad, the dialogue is worse, and there's more wood here than down your local Bunnings, but we do get Jamie Lee doing her thing. At under $10 for the disc I certainly got my money's worth, but some extra features would have been cool.

For this review I watched the region four release and it's not the best digital transfer I've ever had the privilege to sit through. The transfer is pretty "grainy", which kind of helps the movie's atmospherics, and the sound is a tad on the up and down side of the amplifier. Definitely worth a purchase at a sale if not available down your local rental store.

I'm going to recommend this one, warts and all, as it doesn't take itself seriously and at least tries for something slightly different to the even by 1980 heavily abused slasher sub genre. If you like slashers then this is one to check out, and by heck if you are male and gay then dig right in. Where else are you going to see a cross-dressing serial killer - oh wait, about 101 other movies. Jump aboard the choo-choo train and settle in for a pretty unique ride.