Review

Professional sceptic Katherine - well, she works for a university - is called on to investigate Biblical plagues threatening a stereotypical Southern bayou town. Along for the ride is stereotypical Ben, because gosh the movie needs a black actor to be politically correct. The normal redneck locals are of course out in force as further plagues threaten to bring the world to an end or something (sorry, was losing interest as the rain of frogs kind of petered out to a dribble of frogs at best).

In the mix is backwoods young chica Loren who is maybe the spawn of Satan; well she doesn't smile so that's a dead giveaway. So we have biblical plagues, sceptic Katherine, and a devil-worshiping cult to be going on with. A totally crap movie ensues. Ready to sacrifice the first born?

There's something to be said for end of days movies, you get all this really cool mayhem and destruction going down to appease your jaded arse. New York City has certainly born the brunt of more than one natural disaster at the movies, but unfortunately The Reaping isn't set in New York so guess I'll have to wait on that Cloverfield flick to see the big apple biting the big one. Anyone else think that'll be a Godzilla movie? Slight digression there, so back to The Reaping and biblical mayhem. Anyways, am dead keen on end of days movies and biblical prophecies and the like. The Reaping advertised itself on the ten plagues, but where the flock were they?

The movie actually starts out pretty cool with the local water system turning to blood, and there's some tension being notched with Katherine and Ben heading into the outback with local Doug. Then the frogs falling from the skies happens and you just know The Reaping is headed into Crapville, in a crap car, on a crap road. How exactly does about a dozen frogs falling from the skies equate to a plague? Don't ask me - I kept waiting for more of the slimy ones to hit terminal velocity or at least for the end credits to roll, and would have been happy with either one to be honest. Yep, say hello to cut-price Biblical prophecy as brought to you by Kmart or whoever else funded this exercise in the nonsensical, ripping off better movies, trying to make a purse out of a sow's ear, add your own thought in there.

The Kmart Biblical prophecy delivery system, cut price plague in Aisle 3 folks.

Thrill to the dramatic plague of boils, as experienced by, oh I don't know, half a dozen or so people. Exclaim with wonderment as the plague of lice leads to an excruciatingly dull scene of kids having their heads shaved. And by heck gasp as the CGI locust storm, er, does its CGI thing. If only they had of thought of having James Earl reprise his locust suit, I would have paid to see that. She's a good locust I'm telling ya! Actually this review is starting to make about as much sense as the actual movie, which is to say it's completely off the rails already. Big breath, must stay on target and use the force or something.

So anyways, we have cut-price biblical prophecies (I keep saying that to get this review up to length) going down and a plot that simply throws its hands in the air like it just don't care. Surprisingly, considering just how woeful The Reaping is, the moviemakers are actually taking it seriously. You do get a major twist in the tale towards the end, but quite frankly I was bored by that stage and pretty much missed the impact the writers were hoping to achieve. Actually there are two twists coming at you towards the end of the film, and the only chills The Reaping succeeds in achieving is the thought that some muffin might be working on a sequel due to one of them. Okay I'm going to go make a coffee and then try to somehow get this review back on track, something the actual movie fails to do at any stage.

The Reaping does for horror movies what Ikea does for furniture: it's cut-priced, copied from other designers, and throws in a big instruction page on how to interpret things. There's a whole 1970s straight to TV buzz going down, and the filmmakers seem incapable of leveraging anything from that woefully inept plot. End of day this is about what you can expect from distributor Dark Castle, who aren't exactly noted for bending the envelope on anything except their ability to grab some hard-earned from jaded audience members.

You just know you are in trouble during a movie when they go for the underwater shot that serves nothing up on the plate of vomit currently playing on the screen. We get down to the river that has turned into blood, watch as Ben and Katherine get close to the water, and then get the submerged shot going down. Why exactly was this included and not edited out? Because the Editors knew they had total crap on their hands and probably went with the old "it worked for Jaws" concept. Which isn't to say that this is the worst shot in the movie, as they just keep them coming at you in a sort of blitzkrieg of the inane. Highlight for mine was Hilary Swank explaining the ten plagues of Egypt in scientific terms, that goes from the absurd to the "does this chick need professional help?" end of the spectrum. Actually considering the ten plagues of the mediocre presented in this movie, any explanation would be helpful as the audience are left wondering if "plague" isn't a slight overstatement, maybe the "ten inconveniences" would have been a more apt description. And yes, am still dirty on the fact that my "rain of frogs" turned out to be a "light drizzle of frogs".

End of day you are left with the feeling that the Editors finished off an entirely different movie to the one director Hopkins actually filmed. Some of the scenes make no sense whatsoever in the context of the overall movie. At one stage Katherine declares she can get close to the spooky kid running around in the swamp cause the Samara wannabe trusts her. How so? Up to now all we get to see is the kid exiting stage left every time Katherine breaks various laws in appearing in the same scene, home invasion being one of the minor infractions Kathy commits during her investigation. At least Katherine gets to run around with the biblical knife, cause you just have to have one since The Omen made it the requisite fashion accessory for anyone facing off against the spawn of Satan. Up to you to make a call on whether or not that's carrying a lethal weapon, I had pretty much lost all interest at this stage.

A quick word on our eye in the sky aka Father Costigan. You simply have to have the priest that solves all the riddles, interprets the portents, and goes overdramatic on your arse in these Biblical prophecy outings. But WTF was this character about? Photos of Katherine that the priest has for nefarious purposes (hey, make your own mind up) are starting to burn with a sort of sickle shape emerging from the crisp bits. Gasp, this can't be a good development. And it's not because when the damaged photos are laid out just so, headed banging on desk time kids, the little burnt sickles form a large sickle shape. Now besides the Priest actually getting the layout correct, I was laughing my arse off at this development. I mean, forced plot device doesn't begin to cover the bases here. Of course, flame-boiling goes down as ultimate eee-vil hates Priests who can decipher things via photo layouts or floral arrangement or whatever. The Priest is simply there to vocalise what's going down for those who missed the neon flashing signs the visuals were showing.

Regular readers are probably thinking this review is worse than normal, and that was actually my point. Trying to convey how choppy and lacking in anything approaching a groove The Reaping really is as a movie experience. I may have decided to blame the Editors for the disjointed, rather damaged movie on my screen but a quick check on Hopkins' back catalogue threw up Lost In Space! Really, do we expect a better movie from someone who made that load of bollocks?

Mercifully we can move onto the Actors, and then go oh shite. Hilary Swank (Katherine) gets to play the former missionary who has events in the past coming back to haunt the present day. Swank pretty much spends the whole movie with the same stunned mullet expression, no doubt due to having to do some of that dialogue for real. She at no stage was convincing, but considering the movie we'll let that one go back to the keeper. Not Ms Swank's best work and quite arguably her worst performance to date. David Morrissey (Doug) is simply a tool in this one and elicits a hopeless southern accent that must have had all good ole boys and gals scratching their heads. Apparently the bloke is rated in Pomgolia; hope he does better there than this movie would indicate.

On the bright side of the demon-slaying knife, Idris Elba (Ben) is showing the white folk how to act. Elba kicks a major with the role, and adds to a growing reputation. The dude sure is going to get a lot more work. Anna Sophia Robb (Loren) gets to play a spooky little girl cause modern horror flicks need to have one. Sterling work in an undemanding role.

T&A isn't going down as by heck the distributors really wanted that PG13 rating, and then got sideswiped by the MPAA who somehow managed to come up with an "R". Another WTF aspect to this movie, and I for one am beginning to think the South Park boys are correct with their assertions that the major studios are getting to the rating schmucks. But anyways, moving along we get one surreal sex scene that should in no way be confused with the one in Rosemary's Baby. Besides, that movie was shot in 1968 so it's not likely anyone is going to bring up the rip in a review of The Reaping in 2007, is it? Before you rush off to Civic, you don't get any naughty bits, and any thoughts of erotic cinema are the last thing on your mind. If I can't have a "rain of frogs" then you can't have Hilary running around nekkid, fair's fair after all.

John Frizzell lays down a low key yet creepy score that goes some way to making the movie a decent experience for viewers. Unfortunately, director Hopkins and writers Carey Hayes and Chad Hayes completely waste Frizzell's work.

Well tie me down and call me Sally, The Reaping was woefully inept. I kept thinking of other movies as events unfolded; both Rosemary's Baby and The Omen heavily inform this southern melodramatic outing in how to bore an Audience. I also got a 1970s vibe to the whole fandango, as in movies with the content this one showed off are past their use by dates, the genre has moved along. At no time did I get the impression I was watching something decent like, say, The Skeleton Key, that also traded in bygone themes and plots. End of day I was left thinking half-arsed effort, shouldn't have got a cinema release. No, was not entertained.

The Reaping managed $25 million in North America with Australia simply throwing its hands in the air with an abysmal return of $1.1 million. Overall the movie hauled in $62.7 million worldwide, meaning some markets must have liked what they saw. For once a pretty good International split going down for a horror flick.

On the trivia front, filming in Louisiana was interrupted by Hurricane Katrina. Now I'm calling that an act of God and a salient warning that the movie should never have been released to cinema audiences.

No recommendation on this movie as it's simply a sloppy exercise in editing, directing, and acting. Not the worst film ever out of the horror stable but in all reality headed to the knackers yard. At best worth a rent from the weekly bin as there's nothing new to be seen here. Don't know about you, but I'm thinking if they had have actually included a "rain of frogs", (maybe they were toads), an Audience would have hopped along to the cinema to see the movie. Can't believe I just wrote that. If you go out and hire this one then you will reap what you sow. Okay, closing now before I add any further insult to injury.