Review

A group of kids, who are travelling across backwoods America writing a book on roadside attractions of the macabre, run across Captain Spaulding’s horror-themed roadside establishment. Also available is fried chicken, but the dudes – what were their names? – are more interested in a local legend about a Doctor Satan, who preformed weird experiments on the insane. They are soon heading off to check out a tree or something for no apparent reason. Naturally this is at night and there’s a rainstorm going down.

The kids pick up a hitchhiker who claims she knows the way to the fabled tree. Naturally they have a tyre blowout, courtesy of some dude with a gun, and get to spend a pleasant evening with the totally insane Firefly clan. Backwoods, inbred rednecks, guess the rest of the movie. A total load of garbage that goes surreal ensues. Ready to get bored – well, more than normal with one of my reviews.

A lot of anticipation had been built up in regards Rob Zombie’s debut feature, and the White Zombie dude was telling us all we could expect something out of the ordinary. Word out of the US was that Zombie was a huge horror fan, was going back to the 1980s level of claret, and a classic horror flick would be hitting out. Guess somebody somewhere lied, as the movie I just had the misfortune to sit through was a complete load of bollocks dressed up in major post-MTV effects in an attempt to cover its shortcomings. Think video clips from death metal bands and you are about on the money. Zombie might be influenced by 1980s horror flicks, but for sure he has no idea about what makes them work. Even as a debut feature 1000 Corpses fails on all levels as a movie experience. Let’s break this crap down, and then flush it.

Zombie’s movie is a salient lesson in how not to make a horror movie. The Director lines up all the worst aspects of production and simply wallows in a flick that has no discernable reason for being, besides entertaining his fanbois who will no doubt take time out of their normal hobby of checking road kill to watch it. To a certain degree this review will attempt an explanation as to what makes a horror movie click, and then point out exactly where Zombie missed the boat. Okay, scrub that, Zombie is so woefully inadequate on the evidence displayed here that he didn’t even make it to the harbour.

Zombie opens his movie with a little intro about the demonic clown Spaulding being held up in his museum of the bizarre by the most inept robbers ever to have appeared in a movie of any genre. Have no idea what Zombie thought he was doing here, though I have a horrible notion he kind of thought this would be comic relief. Wasn’t laughing over here; Tarantino does a hell of a better job with this sort of stuff and adds the irony. There’s simply no point to this introduction and it has zero to do with the rest of the movie. As a writer Zombie has already lost about 90% of the audience; the dialogue is woefully bad, though teens no doubt thought the high use of f-bombs was the best thing since Crystal Lake re-opened in numerous F13th outings.

On the evidence here Zombie is on par with those no talented boredom machines that film cheap F13th knock offs

We then get to meet the victims and end up having exactly zero sympathy for them. Hey, if Zombie isn’t going to develop any sort of characterisation then how are we expected to get behind his creations? Four bland teens suffer through every possible indignation Zombie can think up. First rule of thumb in a horror movie: get the audience to associate with your characters, or else they simply won’t be affected by their fate. Zombie shows he doesn’t get this point – hey, we all just wanted blood! – and hence isn’t able to develop anything in the way of tension. Personally I spent most the movie trying to figure out which chick was which, needn’t have bothered as they are interchangeable end of day.

Zombie spends great swags of this “epic” going to back and white clips, for no apparent reason adding sepia to the mix, and for frick’s sake sign posting things. Guess he was trying to be artistic or something, but I was left bemused at best. Zombie clearly doesn’t understand what the hell he’s doing with this stuff and inserts it just at the right moment to have the audience wondering if maybe they need to put a load of washing on. The art shot can work in a horror movie, but you really need to know what you are doing, and for heaven’s sake don’t let the movie’s pace drop off while using it. The Director here has the singular ability to insert an effect right when he shouldn’t, hence destroying any rhythm his film may be trying to generate. What you are left with are a series of set pieces that don’t naturally evolve from previous scenes. Once again a sign of a Director with a limited attention span trying to make the world’s largest MTV clip.

Guess 1000 Corpses is what the cool reviewers in North America call “torture porn”, no doubt right after they have used the term “post modern”, which we refer to as gorenography. Zombie has no idea what he is doing with this aspect of the movie either. Clearly this flick is heavily informed by Tobe Hooper’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1973) amongst others, with Zombie trying for the same shock value Hooper managed with his Sawyer family manse that dripped blood. It worked for Hooper as the whole decadent thing was background imagery to the story unfolding; Zombie tries to make it centre stage and pays the price of surprisingly boring his audience with it all. Before anyone starts hitting the email with the traditional “you suck” reply, let me point out that I review horror movies, and wouldn’t you know it but gore features prominently in even the flicks held up as classics of the genre. If you don’t like gore, and plenty of people don’t, then horror is unlikely to be your cup of tea. Actually that involves a whole other argument, there are many rooms in horror’s dark mansion, but you get my point here. Zombie doesn’t understand how gore works as shock value and simply ladles it on in some sort of attempt to bludgeon his audience into submission.

Okay, big breath, a couple of examples should suffice to get the point across. Alien came out of nowhere in 1979 to impact with deadly effect on horror fans across the globe. The movie remains on most reputable top ten lists as one the best scary flicks to have ever been made. Does Ridley Scott’s movie have gore? Bet your sweet arse it does, and Scott pulls no punches when he gets down and dirty with it; witness the infamous chest-burster scene. Scott, a much better director than Rob Zombie can ever hope to be, uses gore with deadly precision to catch his audience napping. When you least expect it, Scott hits the ball out of the park with dark intent. Gore used as an impact device during a tension-laden outing that gradually tightens the screws on its audience.

Similarly George A Romero, the master of the modern “zombie” movie, hits the gore gravy train in heavy style during each of his four “Dead” movies. Uncle George isn’t pulling back when he goes for the gut munching shoot 'em in the head scenes; they are coming right at you, don’t hold back the ketchup. What is remarkable, given the overwhelming tirade of opinion that Romero is a gore-loving criminal, is the fact that the Director uses it sparingly. Gore is inserted to achieve maximum impact and there’s a lot of scenes without it through the course of the four movies. Romero has an almost instinctive ability to spot when gore will work and, more importantly, when it will simply detract from what he has going down theme-wise. Romero is sort of horror’s Mary Antoinette in giving fans their cake and letting them eat it as well.

You getting the point here? Rob Zombie simply lacks the finesse to handle gore, and like Eli Roth has zero idea on why it works in other movies. Gore for gore’s sake is no way to run that corner store, as increasingly bad box office figures over the last couple of years should have proven to the torture boys. Oh wait, they aren’t good enough to sustain anything like tension, case book closed.

Sorry this review is blowing out in length; will try and get the train back into the marshalling yards quick sweet. Hey, it’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll, or indeed review horror flicks.

One scene in 1000 Corpses sums up all that is wrong with the film from an aesthetic point of view. Otis, an entirely irritating character, has deputy what’s his face at his mercy and the Director goes for the crane cam in what I’m guessing Zombie thought would be a tension-filled moment. The gradual track from above goes on, and on, and by heck about a dozen more “on statements” before mercifully hitting the final result we all saw coming from the first frame. Rather than delivering an impactful scene Zombie stretches it out about three hours too long, thus boring his audience to the nth degree with the whole thing. There’s a fine line between getting that money shot and totally blowing it, and Zombie left that line in his dust as he lumbered toward mediocrity with the whole fandango.

Before I forget: the whole Doctor Satan schlock, was that cut in from another movie? It sure as hell doesn’t have anything to do with the one we are watching currently. Different pace and completely different direction going down there. Guess you could say you get a mini movie tagged onto the arse of the main “attraction”, term used loosely. I’m picking Zombie is on talking terms with Geoff Miller’s Death Warmed Up, as the underground stuff reminds me ever so much of that movie.

Zombie has assembled a cast of “B” grade actors, new faces who are unlikely to go onto anything remotely like a movie career, and of course his wife who would be hard pressed to get a commercial based on her work in this substandard fare. Some very poor performance to be seen here, with Sid Haig (Captain Spaulding) and Bill Moseley (Otis) being the only ones enhancing their reputations. What the hell was Karen Black thinking!

For no apparent reason Zombie throws on some black and white porn from a past era, oh wait he saw that in a F13th movie, and Sherri shows her boobs.

Rob Zombie did the soundtrack as he hadn’t punished us enough with the crap movie, and if you are thinking “hey another John Carpenter” then think again. Zombie uses some tunes to help things along, which nothing actual does though “I Remember You” was a highlight. Well, something had to be in this drivel.

Rob Zombie certainly provided the advertised carnage, but it was so woefully mishandled that it failed to impact. The Director simply throws too much claret at the screen and shrouds any chance of 1000 Corpses being anything other than a complete mess. Substandard film making that quite frankly bored the tears out of me. Nothing impressed me, and I am left with the opinion that Zombie has an overly inflated rep due to the fan boys.

1000 Corpses made $12.6 in North America and $4.2 internationally. The movie was budgeted at $7 million, so Distributor Lion’s Gate would have tumbled into profit via DVD sales.

Zero recommendation on this movie, only Rob Zombie fan boys need apply. One of the worst horror movies I have ever seen, this one is simply a mess and shows a Director totally inept at the craft. The movie’s title is apt, there’s less life here than a corpse. How not to make a horror flick: let a self proclaimed horror fan direct it!