So this weekend in Messageland we not only get a camp Doctor, really wish I didn’t have to write that particular selection of words, but also lesbians, transsexuals, everything really but a decent episode. Sigh, and of course we get a song and dance number because, you know, changing Doctor Who for a modern audience. Newsflash to the completely out of touch Russell T. Davis, the kids are alright, they aren’t watching this crud as you piss away the traditional audience in the pursuit of something you are never going to get, street cred. The overnight figures for this abomination did set records, for the worst ever result achieved by an episode in the franchise in sixty years, a crushing 2.4 million viewers. And I wonder how many of those turned this shite off before it’s belaboured final gasp, I know it took two sitters for me to get through this turgid excuse for television. Message to Disney+, this one isn’t going to save your streaming service from ultimate disaster, time to put the Adults in charge. In fact, I am going to predict that this episode is so appallingly bad that it will negatively impact the figures for the next episode.

So with the choice of travelling anywhere in space and time, Ruby decides she wants to visit the EMI studios in 1963 to check out the Beatles recording their first ever LP. Ask your grandparents kids. Anyways shockingly music has left the world as evidenced by the Beatles playing some atrocious song about a dog, Cillia Black being woeful, and a sympathy orchestra who apparently can’t play their instruments. What on earth has happened as Global conflict reaches new flashpoints, because of lack of silly love songs don’t you know. Yes, Paul McCartney reference for those keeping count. Well is seems a demi God has stolen the music to eat, yeah the plot is that stupid, and it’s up to the Doctor and Ruby to save the day. Except the Doctor proves to be ineffectual with John Lennon and Paul McCartney proving all you need is love, or some such. Let’s saddle up and trudge our way through the ruins of what is the worse Doctor Who episode to date.

Where to start with this one, we get pronouns at the start, because that is what modern audiences apparently want in the bubble that is the modern BBC and their running dogs, the access media. Thankfully Asyia Iftikhar, who is credited as an Entertainment Reporter for some publication or other – yes I pissed myself laughing at that claim as well, could point out, “Sorry straight white men, Doctor Who was never made for you”. Clearly Asyia is unaware of the history of the show, or is just ignorant, either way she didn’t bother doing any research as that might dispel her, gosh there I go with not using pronouns again, insanely stupid article. But it could explain the completely collapse of the audience share, clearly straight white dudes are out watching grass or something. For Asyia’s benefit straight white dudes, straight kids, and about anyone else regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or race was the target audience of the show, yes Doctor Who was inclusive before that became the vogue amongst the easily lead vocal minorities. I actually don’t know where to go here, the episode was such a pile of steaming shite that one wonders if Russell T. Davis isn’t writing this trash in his sleep.

Speaking of villains, so not a good segue but hey we’re talking modern Davis here so let’s not get caught up with things like decent writing, we get a dozy with Maestro. That’s dozy not in a good way btw. Maestro is playing by Jinkx Monsoon, who I haven’t heard of before, who delivers more ham than you could reasonably be expected at Christmas lunch. We’re talking song and dance and over acting by an antagonist that has zero fear inducing ability. I was really hoping this character wouldn’t get much screen time as they, hey correct use of pronouns or something, delivered a performance that wouldn’t get a bit role in Priscilla Queen of the Desert. It is really dreadful and I wonder if director Ben Chessell has ever done anything that remotely relies on audience viewer figures rather than the BBC. Quick check, nope nothing of note, dude is grabbing work where he can get it to keep the home fires burning.

I was expecting more of the lore to get smeared here, especially when the Doctor starting talking about his granddaughter Susan and having lived nearby in the 1960s. Thankfully it’s not pushed overly, and I am thankful for that at least. Possibly this is because Russell T. Davis either couldn’t think of a way to successful erase this part of the mythology or he somehow thought it would be clever to contrast this somehow with Maestro being the Toymaker’s off spring. Either way it is incredibly bad writing and a scene that should have been cut out of the episode as it goes nowhere, adds nothing to the plot, and is just eye raising.

We have already mentioned that Gatwa and Gibson can’t act, and unfortunately the supporting cast also shows that acting ability isn’t of any interest this series. We get all four Beatles, none of which sound or look like the actual Beatles – but hey the haircuts so that will do donkey, Cilla Black not sounding or looking like Cilla, and a host of other minor characters including the music teacher at the intro to the episode playing stereotypical characters. Serious Rusty, we playing to stereotypes here now?

Just remembered who Maestro reminded me of, and thanks to Will Corlett for pointing this out, Bette Midler playing Winifred Sanderson in the original 1993 Hocus Pocus movie. Except Bette was doing a comedic turn, I have zero idea what the frack Jinkx Monsoon is doing, except overacting like they are in a particularly bad panto.

Last episode we had a hint, make that a punch to the face as Davis can’t do anything subtle, with the idea that the Doctor wasn’t going to be potent in any possible way. This episode we get the Doctor as a cry baby snowflake who doesn’t even resolve the conflict. Gone is the Doctor with infinite wisdom, able to rock the action as required, and with the gravitas to take hold of any given situation and shake dog shake. Really, who the flock does Rusty think is going to watch this tripe, it certainly isn’t the traditional audience, and it’s not going to be this supposed new audience who haven’t exactly been tuning in in droves. Russell T. Davis and his cronies might be getting applause from certain minority viewpoints on X and the increasingly irrelevant access media, but those dickheads are not going to watch the show; they are far too busy being outraged by whatever the current fashionable thing is to get outraged by.

Did I mention the cringe of a song and dance number we got at the end, talk about fuller being used to pad out an episode that had about a five-minute runtime in actuality, I was left wondering if perhaps I had flicked onto another show by mistake. But at least we got Ruby singing the song from when she was dumped at the church stairs on Xmas day, as Russell tries to keep his series plot arc in the front of our minds – Rusty no one cares mate, your audience left stage left already. I’m not going to talk about the pseudo Doctor and Ruby duetting on the piano, face palming doesn’t even begin to describe that implausible development. Yes, the episode is all about the music folks, the music that has been wrong since Maestro crawled out of a piano because some dickhead played a banned chord progression, oh dear god someone stop Davis before he can commit more crimes against humanity. I was actually going to be quite happy if Maestro won the day, as it would mean no more cringe music numbers from our leads. Guess we can’t always get what we want.

Just a thought here, Russell T. Davis has already shown his misogamy by trying to erode Variety Lambert’s legacy as the BBC’s first female producer, here he is attacking trans people! Remember Rusty has already stated that he and his team had a problem with Davros being portrayed as someone in a wheelchair, because that implied the disabled might be evil or some such tosh, here he has no problems portraying a trans character as being evil. So attacking the trans community now Rusty, I’m surprised you haven’t been cancelled already mate!

I’m just going to say upfront, no recommendation on this episode, it is complete rubbish that should never have been released to the average viewer. No one can act beyond strictly amateur turns that your local church group would be embarrassed for the public to view, the plot is completely farcical, and to be honest I am really questioning whether I want to continue watching this attempt to completely erode the franchise from public interest. Yes, we are in the age of dredging up complete crap and smearing it on existing beloved franchises, Doctor Who isn’t going to wash off, the fans that Davis and co are alienated are not coming back. The delusion that Davis,  Monsoon et al are suffering from is there is a new “modern audience” to replace the disillusioned traditional fans. Clearly this isn’t the case, besides the sycophants, the franchise is really now down to hate watchers, critics, and reviewers. The franchise is over Bro, we are simply stirring the ashes at this stage.