Solo father Victor Fielding is still grieving the death of his wife in Haiti some years previous, and his pre-teen daughter Angela is starting to search for her lost mother’s memories. Angela’s friend Katherine suggests the duo hold a séance in the woods, which will allow Angela to commune with Mummy. Naturally, this being a horror movie and involving a séance in the woods, things don’t go to plan and the girls disappear for three days, finally turning up in a barn on a local farm one stormy night. Seems the girls have brought something back with them, a demonic entity called Lamashtu, which seems intent on getting two for the price of one. Can Victor overcome his scepticism to save his daughter’s immortal soul, and just how many belief systems can we cram into one movie. Answer to the second question is one, but hey ho, let’s rock this one.

As soon as I noted heavy involvement in this movie from Blumhouse I knew we were in for trouble, sorry this movie house singularly doesn’t understand horror or how the genre works. Blumhouse goes more for jump scenes and teen orientated date movies, than out and out horror that attempts to unnerve the audience. My expectations for the movie were actually a tad above what Blumhouse delivered, as they demonstrated a complete lack of understanding of why the original movie worked, and unfortunately for the paying public no concept of atmosphere or tension.

So we know how these things go, inexplicable symptoms that can’t be explained by medicine, strange phenome around the home that can’t be explained by the house settling, a turning to religion, and finally the exorcism where good overcomes evil and everyone is left shell shocked by their shared experiences. This framework should be simplicity in itself, just add in something new to the batter, mix and bake job done. Naturally David Gordon Green displays zero understanding of what he has control over, and blows every chance he has to get the franchise back on track. Where the hell do we begin analysis this mess.

Firstly, we get what amounts to an extended cameo by Ellen Burstyn, you know the mom Chris MacNeil from the original The Exorcist, and boy is this character problematic. In the years since Regan was a Captain Howdy fan and before Chris is brought back to fight evil, which she didn’t in the original movie but what the flock Gordon doesn’t care, she has become an exorcism expert having written a book of her experiences and studied the rite of exorcism in diverse cultures. Keep diverse in mind, Gordon goes buck naked crazy on the idea in the final act of the movie. Anyways Chris, who declares she didn’t actually experience the original exorcism of her daughter because of the patriarchy – demonstrating Chris hasn’t actually done any in-depth research on the rite and the effects on those involved, arrives, meets the possessed girls, gets blinded for her troubles, and ends up in hospital. To say she has no real impact on the plot, pretty much the flashes to bedridden Chris are bollock, is an understatement. Talk about a riveted on character, who only exists for advertising purposes, and for throwing on some stupid lines, the patriarchy one actually made me laugh out loud. Hey Chris the demon your daughter briefly housed was Pazuzu, you were never formally introduced to Lamashtu, seems Gordon did even less research than Chris. Sorry if you are going to hit an exorcism movie then get a few things right rather than falling into the pit of your by now boring themes.

Speaking of those themes, and the power of Christ makes sure we are aware of them as they are hammered into the viewer’s head over and over again, we’re talking man alone, community and of course diversity. Victor pretty much goes solo but then has to join his local community, including taking on board what the trash police lady has to tell him, and embrace various religions. Except by the end of the movie Victor is pretty going solo and has no real impact on the resolution besides some melodramatic musings that take the viewer out of the onscreen happenings at a vital stage. In terms of the various religions, serious is Green smoking something that is illegal in most societies? About the only missing ingredients were a Jewish Rabbi and a Muslim Imam, oh wait that would be further support of the patriarchy, phew dodged a bullet there Gordon.

Okay how did the plot roll. Well we get a prologue set in Haiti, which is a waste of movie time, but involves an earthquake and Victor having to choose his unborn daughter over his wife. The decision Victor makes should have some weight through the rest of the movie, but gets mentioned then dropped like a smelly fart cloud. We then flash forward thirteen years, which gives us the age of Victor’s daughter and her best friend, and the girls shouldn’t have gone down to the woods. This gets spelt out, because you know Gordon doesn’t respect his audience – what few there were judging from the box office massacre. Then flash into the medical part of the plot, this is given surface coverage and is so mishandled that I wondered how many of the medical staff would be facing the Medical board at least if not outright police involvement for their incompetency! Hey stealing medical equipment that you would need a van to move and removing patients, not an issue, apparently U.S hospitals are cost cutting by doing away with security. Talk about lip service being paid to a major aspect of the genre, to be honest it was a complete waste of time. Once again Gordon not understanding how the original movie worked, how in hell was this guy given control over the troubled franchise, he really isn’t helping the situation.

David Gordon Green continues his weird helming of horror movies, he really doesn’t know how they work, but hey Jason Blum has his back. We get more cut scenes than a Jason Voorhees greatest hits vid, not because we need them but apparently because a concise movie isn’t the intention here. Talk about jarring, pretty much like experiencing some chick screaming about the body and the blood in church, it isn’t exactly what you have come along for. Naturally we also get loudness to announce shock scenes, plenty of jump scenes – we love those in serious horror movies, and some weird CGI done in quick shot because that’s what the audience want apparently. Green doesn’t understand atmosphere, you need to keep it menacing Dave, or keeping the audience unnerved, hint there Dave, don’t open the pod bay doors make your main characters actually likeable, Victor wasn’t.

Of course you all want to know how the actually exorcism went, well the magnificent seven locked and loaded here as exorcism don’t need no white catholic man. Green demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of the franchise, has the CGI and quick cutting working overtime to such an extent that the exorcism becomes confusing and pretty much unwatchable. We get a break from festivities for some fart gas doing battle with fire smoke, don’t ask me I was scratching my head as well. Naturally the Priest dude goes against his superiors and rides into battle, and immediately gets his neck snap and head turned around 180 degrees as he touched the possessed girls or something. Frack off Green, have you actually ever seen an exorcism movie and actually understood the underlining themes and tropes? Where this really goes off the rails is the decision the made up exorcists need to ponder, the demon decides they can have one of the girls back but the other is rooted. What the actual frack? The devil is of course a liar, hey Green got something right, but in a first for the franchise the demon wins scoring for team Hell. Okay folks we are no longer in The Exorcist franchise, we are in the third circle of hell, this is pretty much absolute garbage.

To shock readers slightly, there are some good aspects to the movie that manage to raise their heads above the rivers of sludge that the viewer is otherwise being subjected to. Lidya Jewett and Olivia O’Neill nail it as the dual possessed girls, their performances made me a believer. Yes, Dad joke right there folks. Some of the night time scenes prior to the medical interference work, and I particular liked the church scene where Olivia O’Neill really ramps things up. The scene made zero sense and went nowhere, but O’Neill knocks the barn door off its hinges with her performance.

To sum up, David Gordon Green has completely cocked up the movie. It is rumoured that Universal spent a cool $400 million for the distribution rights to anything Exorcist being released by Blumhouse and Morgan Creek, wow that was money well spent. The Exorcist: Believer crashed and burned at the Box office as modern audiences and franchise fans both failed to front up to the tix office. Are we surprised by the results, hell no, this movie is a mess of misjudged ideas, lost chances, and a narrative that shows no understanding of the franchise or anything exorcist related. It appears Green was more interested in ticking modern audience boxes than writing a concise narrative to please the actual fans. No recommendation on this movie, quite honesty one of the worse entries in the franchise thus far.