Finally, we come to the end of series fourteen, because you can’t expect the snowflakes running Doctor Who to actually do a decent amount of work, so eight episodes is all she wrote. Unfortunately, for those who actually watch the episode – the audience have evaporated like a case of beer at the end of a hard day in the Aussie sun, what we got as a final statement from Rusty was a bumbling discourse of pseudo intellectual bullshit and plot devices that make a mockery of fiction plotting. Just a thought, whatever happened to the damage the flux did? Apparently the universe is back to how it was before Chibs decided to destroy it, we not bothering with that aspect of your mate’s deconstruction Russell, pity you didn’t take the same approach to the Timeless Child bollock, you might still have a decent amount of watchers. Speaking of which, the episode was up with 2.25 million tuning in overnight, so there’s something the apologists and simps can grasp onto as the ship goes down.

Our Duo are in trouble with Sutekh deciding to destroy everything in creation, that would be in the Universe, specifically planets that the Doctor has visited, which I guess would leave huge amounts of the cosmos unaffected, but don’t question. Thankfully Ruby remembers the TARDIS, face palm time, which is enough to somehow make a copy or some such bollocks. The Doctor, Ruby, and Mel the former companion are soon off for some reason or other that isn’t explained; running away like a little bitch comes to mind. Anyways some time later, hey plot continuity isn’t a strong point for the modern Davis, the reTARDIS lands on some unknown planet, its name later but who cares, and this chick has somehow survived the sands of doom unleashed by Sutekh’s minions. Anyways the Doctor is able to get a metal spoon from her, what the actual frack, which is enough to power up the reTARDIS, don’t look at me I didn’t write this shite. Armed with the magic gloves from episode one and a magic plot rope Ruby confronts Sutekh who wants to know who Ruby’s mother is. Hint, face palming time again. So Ruby showing she is all about the action, as opposed to the Doctor who is all about the crying, ropes Sutekh and they zoom into a time tunnel dragging the errant Egyptian foe with them. If you are thinking a dog being taken for a walk, then you have nailed it. Somehow Sutekh’s ripping of the sides of the time tunnel reverses the sands of doom in one of the stupidest ideas Davis has yet come up. Exit Sutekh, Gods are not so powerful then, and its back to UNIT to discover who Ruby’s mother is! Don’t get excited that disclosure is about as limp as a drink at closing time.

Hold onto your linen folks, this episode underlines just how bad Davis has become as a writer. The plot is clumsy and lumbers from one mistake to the next, plot developments come out of left field, and the devices used to resolve situations are immature at best, but actually show Davis keeps writing himself into corners and is just going to use painful plot devices to get himself out of trouble. Once again the Doctor is ineffective, with Ruby Girl bossing her way to fixing the situation, Davis do you have a problem with Gay people? You are not exactly showing them in a positive light, as Gatwa’s Doctor is apparently an afterthought when it comes to the resolution of all situations; throw in a chick and make her lame. Party line to the fore eh Rusty, let’s not have the Doctor being manly, can we get Jodie back, at least she took care of business.

Probably the biggest issue with the episode, and which makes a complete mockery of the entire series plot arcs is the unveiling of who Ruby’s mum actually is! Yes, we all thought mum might be alien, evil or not, or at the very least have some cool dynamic powers. What we find out is that Ruby’s mum is white bread average! No powers, no special characteristics, just a young girl who irresponsibly left her child on church steps during a snow storm. Hold onto your linen, wow, Davis is so incredibly bad at writing that he has to elevate the mundane, and no not in a Harold Pinter fashion, rather than providing the entertainment orientated escapism the average audience member wants Davis takes them back home, to the ordinary. For sure, that’s something I’m going to dial into to escape the general malaise Australia finds itself suffering under due to yet another incompetent Government that won’t face the realities and make the hard decisions. Going to stop there before we head right into politics, and the collapse of Australia society, hey you aren’t alone Britain.

There are moments of humor in the episode to help lighten the load, unfortunately this would be unintentional humor as the Producers of modern Who show they are unable to take a backward step and view the stupidity they are showing on the few television screens still tuned into this banal rubbish. We had the chick with the wheelchair that could fire rockets, whatever happened to her, we now have a thirteen-year-old with a Segway that has twin machine guns, oh hell yeah, I was rolling on the floor laughing my arse off. Besides the obvious rocking back and forward by the Actor trying and failing to demonstrate rapid fire, the laws of physics need not apply, yeap rapid heavy caliber fire isn’t going to have any kick back. And by the way where was the machine guns’ magazines stored, if you said inside the Segway’s frame then you are operating at the level Davis needs his audience to stoop to.

To round out our discussion of the plot, term used loosely, about the only thread left is who or what is Mrs Flood. Based on evidence in series 14 of the franchise, I have to say I really don’t care, no doubt we’ll find out next series and it will be on the lame side. Clearly the Flood character knows all about the Doctor, as Davis’ favourite plot device of breaking the fourth wall is used again and again to general audience groans to underline the point, but given the underwhelming Ruby’s mum unveiling I’m expecting another misstep and general feeling of apathy toward any development on that front. Stay tuned, eventually we’ll get to it, if Disney don’t kick this show to the curb in the interim.

Naturally there are some plot points that Davis completely drops, because hey they were important but not now. Chief of which is when Ruby is facing some dramatic moment, generally when she realises again and again the Doctor couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery, it snows for no apparent reason. Okay admittedly some Poets and Writers for that matter, will use this device to demonstrate a character’s internal feelings in a literary fashion, but those scribes are actually good at their craft, something Russell T. Davis isn’t. Why does it snow when Ruby is being dramatic look beaver, don’t know, and Davis doesn’t care to explain or enlighten us because he doesn’t give a toss about this franchise besides how it will serve his warped agenda, based on what we are seeing on screen. Even the most ardent Who apologist is going to find it hard to bend reality to some satisfactory explanation of this bollocks.

Hey not all doom and gloom, the Doctor claims Sutekh can’t kill him, because the Doctor is an “extinction level event”. Clearly the Doctor, no doubt because he has been crying like a little bitch for the majority of the episode’s run time, hasn’t notice the sands of death obliterating the Universe, talk about your dinosaur killing comet collision. Davis is right however, Gatwa is an “extinction level event”, for the franchise! So I did find a positive in the script, and in no way did the sands of doom put me in mind of The Mummy, circa Brendan Fraser.

Just when you think the Doctor might have more things to worry about than social justice, the topic of cultural appropriation comes up, because you know that’s relevant to the “modern audience” who continue to be AWOL judging by the seriously low viewer numbers. This time Davis in one of the more stupid and arrogant plot developments is pointing out the use of Egyptian, the long dead civilisation not the current one, devices in Pyramids of Mars (1975). Generally, your social warrior sycophants will forget cultural appropriation when it is used to deliver whatever fashionable message they are currently exposing, see Queen Cleopatra (2023) – Netflix currently being sued by the country of Egypt for this debacle. I had thought the concept had disappeared into the dark corners of their fevered minds. Davis naturally, having not gotten the latest social warrior email, has to bring it up because Tom Baker was a white guy or something, your guess is as good as mine. So thankfully the Doctor isn’t disappearing without attacking another aspect of the franchise, have a good look at yourself Davis, this is kindergarten level cringe at its finest.

My apologises for this review, I didn’t have room to point out every misstep Davis makes, and yes I am blaming the writing for the absolute trash that Empire of Death turned out to be. The episode is pseudo-intellectual, to the level of The Rings of Power with lines that make absolutely no sense, has confused plot development, and thrown in plot devices to get Davis out of the various corners he paints himself into. Gatwa and Gibson are as usual strictly amateur, delivering panto level performance, and are both so miscast that baby Jesus had to kill a litter of kittens to compensate for. Davis clearly doesn’t give a flying frack about the franchise and is pretty much just putting the final nails in the coffin, egged on about the simps who thought this series was the bestest ever. We don’t worry about media access around here, so are calling a bad egg a bad egg, and series fourteen was a rotten egg to its core. I am going to make the statement right here right now, Davis has delivered the worse series/season of Doctor Who to have ever aired, it is that abysmally bad. No recommendation, obviously, and thank frack that series is at an end. Better days kids, maybe we should cut some reviews of classic Who to cleanse our palettes of the obnoxious after taste series fourteen left.