BloodRayne (2005)

Sex :
Violence :
Director Uwe Boll
Writers Guinevere Turner
Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Ben Kingsley
Genre Vampire
Tagline Driven by revenge
Country
Horror Movie Review - BloodRayne

Review

"Would you stop throwing things at me?" - Elrich (really pushing for a quote from this one).

We're in eighteenth century Romania, and the place is crowded with vampires. Rayne is a dhampir (half human, half vampire) trapped in a circus. Naturally she escapes and continues her blood feud with Ghandi Kagan, a sort of vamp overlord. Helping out are members of the secret Brimstone Society, Sebastian and Vladimir. Anyone else starting to think Blade: Trinity? Sorry to sully the name, but BloodRayne is a sort of medieval equivalent.

We get plenty of boobage, wire-fu to the max, and not much of a story to be honest. Much wonderment that I dialed into this poo-stain ensues. Saddle up, we're headed to the hills of Romania ..

You know how I dialed into Uwe's last movie, Alone in the Dark, and came away with the opinion that the German munchkin might actually be improving as a filmmaker. Well, happily Uwe has managed to lay that thought to rest with BloodRayne. This movie has no redeeming features, makes you wonder what new depths can be plundered in future outings, and reminds one that someone else should be taking the bullets around here. An altogether regrettable involvement with Uwe, to be honest.

This time round, Boll is trying some new things, although sadly plot isn't one of them. We get mucho overhead pan shots of people riding around mountainsides on horseback. When I say mucho, I really mean mucho; Uwe clearly couldn't get enough of that good stuff. Unfortunately for the viewer we're not really that interested. Sure, Peter Jackson had some amazing shots of the Southern Alps going down in the LOTR movies, but Boll simply can't make it happen. I was quite frankly bored, and wondered if Boll had maybe got a fixed price on the helicopter and was having some sort of Nam flashback or something. Drop the dramatic angle there; we're dialing in for some good old fashion vampire take downs.

Uwe actually doesn't disappoint in the take down stakes (hehehehe). There's fight scenes galore, blood flying in all directions, and quite a few beheadings to be going on with. Pity the Director couldn't actually make something happen with the blood balloons in this one. He clearly spent quite a lot of the budget on the balloons, judging from the geysers of blood in evidence. Equally, he clearly can't compose a shot with them anywhere in the movie. Fake time at central park kiddies.

What Uwe didn't spend money on was the special effects; they simply suck in BloodRayne (hehehehe). Vampires look like they have just left the set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and that was a TV show for heaven's sake! Though thinking about it, Whedon probably spent as much on a single episode as Uwe does on this entire shambles of a flick. You get what you pay for, and here it's some Kmart apparel of the loose-fitting variety.

The film plays just like the video game it's based on. Rayne has to pick up the clues in order to advance to the next scene. I was at times attempting to pick up a controller as I was forgetting I was watching an actual movie. Ah, water cascading into the room - hang about Rayne lodged a sword in the roof; where's the up button?

Uwe seems to have had some notion a chick will be stupid enough to dial into one of his movies; very remote chance, but then I don't make movies and Uwe does. So he chucks in a love angle that in typical Boll fashion is heavy-handed, doesn't really add to the mix, and is frankly irritating. Guess we get to see Loken's two major assets here though, (I was biting the side out of my wine glass).

On the subject of actors, Uwe clearly grabbed anyone out for a mortgage payment and told 'em to either go over the top or play it wooden. Nothing else could explain the substandard performances the Director gets from the entire cast. I mean, you have Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen on set there, so what on earth went wrong? The only people surprisingly doing their cred any good are Meat Loaf as some sort of foppish vamp running an ongoing orgy, and someone else playing a priest vamp, a role which isn't explained. Sorry, forgot to jot down the actor's name as frankly I was somewhat shell-shocked by this one.

Uwe goes all-out on the T&A front, but then remembers he has to at the most score an "R" rating on the flick to get some return on investment. As a result, we get one of the most ludicrous love scenes ever to have graced a film screen! In typical Boll style, it comes out of nowhere, has zero meaning, and only serves to show off Loken's boobs to good effect. Hey, nice use of the table there Uwe; that cracked me up no end.

We also get a lot of Romanian prostitutes languishing around nekkid in one scene. Nope, I'm not kidding here, Boll went out and hired himself some pros for the scene. Now that's well beyond the call of duty ... for the prostitutes, that is.

So that's at least the lesbo and male market covered, but Uwe clearly forgot about the gals again. Oh wait, your average chick isn't likely to dial into this mind-altering experience of the inane.

Henning Lohner lays down a pretty dramatic score, but as that is approaching saying something good about this movie I will close right here, right now.

You can't keep a good movie maker down, nor a bad one either, as Uwe Boll amply demonstrates. BloodRayne is a complete shambles that makes you wonder why exactly you ever picked up a DVD with the Director's name attached to it. I think it's got something to do with self-hate and mental flagellation to be honest. After dialing into the Boll experience you are left thinking that it can't get much worse, then eye the movies in your "will watch someday" pile and have a horrible feeling that it just might. I wouldn't compare Boll to Ed Wood, as at least Ed was trying his best to make movies. Boll is simply unable to comprehend what a movie is, let alone try to make a decent one.

BloodRayne has ample boobage going down and some wire-fu. That's about all I can say about it really; one for the lads if they have had a decent night down the boozer, but otherwise should not be seen. This film is simply dire. In fact, it's so bad that it redefines dire. Look up dire in the next release of your favourite dictionary, and it'll say "see under BloodRayne". Uwe Boll presents his worst movie to date, and that's saying something considering we are hoping people won't have a burning desire for a review of House of the Dead. Worthwhile digging in if boobs are your single requirement in a movie going experience, but personally I'd dig out an old copy of Playboy. At least that will have articles and stuff; Uwe Boll puts far less into his movies. Happy reading campers.

ScaryMinds Rates this movie as ...

  Boll strikes again.