The Nullarbor Nymph (2012)

Review

David Kyle is a trainee for the Australia Water Board and is sent to the Outback to check water taps with the more experienced Cameron Betts. The pair are journeying across the Nullarbor to check that local taps are in working order, they report back to base on the ones that aren't working so that a plumber can be contracted to fix them. Stories are being told of a mythical naked chick who roams the Nullarbor preying on males, I'll leave it to the reader to determine why. Naturally Cameron scoffs at the legends having never run into the Nymph.

The pair are soon off the main road and up a dusty track looking for a hard to find tap. David, who is driving, is shocked to see a topless blonde chick on the side of the track and immediately crashes the car leaving himself and Cameron stranded in the Aussie Outback. The chances of survival are pretty slim and are not helped by a blonde psycho chick who is stalking them, and not in a good way. Help may be at hand however from Nullarbor Reserve Ranger Jake Stephens.

Crikey they're a tough mob around our place. I got a copy of The Nullarbor Nymph to review and strike me dead but me sheila is accusing me of getting the movie cause it's got a naked chick in it! Now I don't mind people coming the raw prawn, but this is a bit rough, we review Aussie movies around here whether or not they have naked sheilas in them, that's just an added bonus, fair dinkum mate. Okay with that out of the way let's get down to a movie that has a few jump scenes, dudes being stalked by a naked woman, and more comedy than you can poke a funny bastard at. To finish off our Aussie horror movie rampage we picked a mockumentary that isn't taking itself seriously in the slightest.

The movie kicks off with Simon Bath who has been traipsing around Australia apparently to lose weight or because the Government's latest job initiative turned to poo or something, the first surprise is immediately on us, this is found footage, Si has disappeared somewhere on the Nullarbor! It's a nice introduction, we get some scenic shots, a dead roo, the Outback, a long straight road to infinity or at least a vanishing point, and to top it off the Nudroo Hotel Motel. We even get to see the dude dragged out of his tent and into the dark night by something unseen, in a scene that would have the Producers of Supernatural giving a standing ovation. Director Wilkinson goes Blair Witch on us as Si meets his fate, it's night, the scene is dragged out, we know something is coming, there's noises outside the tent, and just when Si reckons he is safe, wam bam thank you latest victim. All this without shaky cam as well, Aussie Directors rock!

Since this is a documentary we then get a bunch of people talking about their experiences or thoughts on the Nymph. Oh I should mention Wilkinson throws in a sequence of someone making a movie about the Nymph while the title credits roll which segways nicely to Kevin Dunken, a self proclaimed Nymph fanatic who is driving around the Nullarbor, camping out, and hunting for the mythical creature. Kev is a firm believer and claims he has run into the Nymph on a previous occasion when he received some wicked bad love bites. Leading the sceptic brigade is Professor Bruce Oliver, Mythological Historian, who claims a group of blokes in the Eucla bar decided to promote the Nullarbor by having a beautiful women in roo skins lounging around in the Outback for a photo shot. The blokes managed to create the folk lore even though the whole thing was a complete hoax. There are a number of other people giving their opinions, some supporting the Nymph's existence, others claiming it's a myth, and all stances in between. Later in the movie a local Publican will refute Bruce Oliver's claim in pretty convincing fashion.

As the movie moves along we of course get additional theories. A young woman was exposed, accidentally or not, to the fallout from the Maralinga nuclear testing the Poms conducted between 1956 and 1963. She has mutated, doesn't age, and uses the extensive Nullarbor cave system to move around. Another theory holds that since a lot of meteorites land in the Nullarbor there could be a chance that an alien has landed. Others simply state that there is no naked woman running around the outback.

Into this hot bed of Nymph debate steps David Kyle, the Water Board's latest trainee. David leaves his Wagga Wagga home to fly into the Ceduna airport to meet up with Cameron Betts, a more experience tap inspector. And from there the movie focuses on these guys while they head deeper into the Nullarbor and meet their fate, though there are a few scenes with ranger Jake Stephens who picks up the distress call after David Kyle crashes the hire car.

As opposed to most mockumentary movies that take themselves more serious than a wine and cheese set connoisseur The Nullarbor Nymph is throwing punch lines in at a rapid pace and is aware that the whole edifice the movie builds is on pretty ludicrous grounds. Throughout the movie people are calling for help as they are being attacked by a semi clothed hottie, only to be meet by a "half your luck mate" attitude from the outside world. You haven't seen anything till you're seen two grown men screaming like little girls deprived of One Direction tickets as a decent rack is pressed up against a car window. Director/Writer Mathew J. Wilkinson squeezes everything he can out of his victims screaming for help, there's a naked woman after me and she wants my cock, I was actually laughing out loud as this line and similar dialogue went down. The movie is both a hoot and a holler, I challenge anyone not to have a smile on their dial as the movie hits all the right funny bones. You want bureaucracy gone wild, try filling out four forms to report a tap not working, the head office lady just nails the carrot up her arse bureaucrat that does everything pedantically by the book.

Guess I should mention the Nymph herself, played wonderfully well by Jessica Sterling. Okay hot blonde chick semi clothed, I'm already writing to the Academy demanding a leading actress gong for Jesse, I could watch this all day and half the night. Now settle down kids, I'm a reviewer, a professional, the rest of the mob around here are pervs. Anyways the Nymph lures men by her wily sexual attraction only to unleash the Phyllis Diller post vibrator exploding look as she senses "the precious" - yes got the Lord of the Rings reference. For any young folk who may be reading think wild hair that hasn't seen a hairdresser in like forever and teeth that haven't been checking out a toothbrush for the past decade or so. Director Wilkinson knows he hasn't got the audience running scared with his "monster", so doesn't bother with scare tactics beyond a few jump scenes. Guess there simply wasn't the budget to hit a home run with this aspect of the movie.

Oh I should mention Douglas Feary's David Kyle, move the fuck over Ash Williams, Dave doesn't need Smart to trick himself out to battle the supernatural. The character takes a number of blows to the head in a recurrent theme and finds himself buck naked late in the movie. Escaping the attention of the Nymph he finds ranger Jake's abandoned vehicle. David decides to do battle with the Nymph and arms himself with a shotgun and the world's most effective chastity belt in order to enter the fray. It's actually pretty awesome and I was hoping David would come out on the right side of the ledger after his epic battle. Naturally the Nymph being a supernatural being and all it isn't going to be that easy, watch the movie to find out what happens.

Oops overstaying my welcome here let's wrap this up. For gorehounds there is the odd scene that will have you panting with glee, the Nymph does get to chow down, though admittedly she ends up with an entree rather than the main course. Plenty of naked flesh to go round, ladies you are in luck with this movie. We're talking sugar lumps, the whole nine yards, enjoy yourself right there. Dudes get a topless Jessica Sterling being all seductive. So yeah nudity and violence, viewer discretion is advised, okay that's my public service announcement for the day.

I picked up a copy of The Nullarbor Nymph from Monster Picture's website, though I would imagine you can also get the DVD from any half decent stockist down the main street. If your local doesn't have it, ask them to get a few copies in. I wasn't sure what I was going to be watching as besides initial news of the movie being made it appeared any details were a closely guarded secret. I was surprised to discover I was watching a mockumentary, as opposed to found footage you don't have to worry about who's filming some of the scenes, there's a camera crew yeah, but once I got over that surprise I settled in for some fun times. The movie doesn't take itself seriously, throws in plenty of one liners and sight gags, and rocks on pace wise to keep the audience bushy tailed and bright eyed. Sure we're talking a limited budget, which is noticeable in some scenes, but not enough to take the true horror aficionado out of the fillum. I'm recommending this one, if you don't mind the odd mock movie then you are going to have fond memories of The Nullarbor Nymph. End of day I'm glad I touched bases with this excellent Downunder Indie.