The Wicker Man (2006)

Sex :
Violence :
Director Neil LaBute
Writers Neil LaBute
Starring Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Frances Conroy, Molly Parker
Genre Mystery
Tagline Some Sacrifices Must Be Made!
Country
Horror Movie Review The Wicker Man (2006)

Review

"Welcome, Mr. Malus. You have come of your own free will to keep your appointment with the Wicker Man." - Sister Summersisle.

Police Officer Edward Malus goes to a secluded privately owned Island in order to find a missing girl. He discovers a society far beyond the realms of modern civilization and has to be careful of the inbreds. Kind of like spending a weekend in South Australia. Anyways Edward discovers there's more to the mystery than he first thought, and bees play a large part in that. Kind of trying to think up something to say about this plot which lurches from mundane to awe inspiringly woeful.

To hell with it, another Boredwood remake that pales in comparison to the original, a waste of time ensues. Ready to kill the fat controller and pray to a new god?

Either Director LaBute is a complete moron or he has no love of cinema, nothing else can explain the travesty of a movie I just sat through. The original threw up mystery, tension, and one hell of a shock ending, in the process becoming a classic of the horror genre. The remake simply ambles through its paces, slowly, before delivering the resolution that audience members would have seen lumbering over the horizon well before Edward woke up and smelled the java. The twist in the tale, look away now if planing to watch this crud, about Willow being the daughter of head inbred Summersisle was less than interesting in the wash-up. Actually the only merit to this slush puppy was the chance to see Nicky Cage in a bear suit, and possibly as an anti sex ad for the religious right. You know have sex and you become the victim of neo-pagans after going Humphrey B Bear on our arses. What a funny old fellow is Humphrey, pity the same can't be said of Nicky Cage in this one.

On the bright side of the altar there are some stunning visuals to feast your eyes on. The Island location is used to the fullest extent here though I could have done with maybe a few less shots of the sun going down or rising, which is used to pad out running time. Plenty of cool shots of the surrounding water, forests, and a whole return to nature vibe. The bee hives, forgotten the collective noun, were well constructed and used to perfection. That's sort of where we end our discussion of the good aspects of the movie.

The movie opens to some sort of weirdness about Copper Malus being into salads and self help tapes, the diner scene should have hit the editing floor as it adds nothing and has zero impact on the rest of the movie. Cage I don't care if your character munches the lettuce you end up in a bear suite dude! After this we get Malus doing the highway patrol number and writing citations. Once again where exactly is this leading us? The jolt of a truck smashing into a station wagon was good value, but as far as sudden shocks that's all she wrote. Director LaBute tries for the shocks later in the movie, but by this stage most viewers will be wondering if the DVD store is still open, and whether or not something else might be worth a rental. All up the opening stanza of this flea infested crap feast really has little to say beyond introducing the lead character and laying down the mystery elements.

The rest of the movie happens in equivalent fashion to watching the Tasmanian cricket team trying to play out a draw, over two days, with rain interruptions. There's simply not a lot going down, except for the various actors reputations. We get dream sequences, some of which happen while Cage's character is wide-awake, that are inserted haphazardly and make no sense. Clues to the mystery sticking out like dog balls, wow the book title was "Ancient Rituals" or similar. And some sort of weird feminist/lesbo alternative community thing happening. Actually some girl on girl action might have helped here, but check the rating PG13th, T&A is gonzo daddy-o.

Director LaBute seems to have forgotten he is making a horror movie. Sudden shock scenes no longer work dude and the movie is sans tension in any form what so ever. Wicker Man is the epitome of modern horror, gee I can't frighten my audience lets throw in a sudden scene with a dead kid. That works for Rob Zombie right? LaBute has the odd camera flourish, and you can definitely see film school shining out there, but is working in the wrong genre. Heck probably the wrong industry truth be told, try advertising dude! There's a "been there seen that" feel to about every shot and nothing beyond Cage wearing a bear suite stuck in the memory five minutes after the end credits roll.

Overall the movie lags like a bank queue, is disjointed, and has nothing to say or offer. Some feminist rubbish replaces the original movie's theme of Christian versus pagan as the movie makers try to woe the Hollywood politically correct. We do get to see Cage punching and drop kicking lesbos left, right, and center though, but I'm not entirely sure what we should take from that element to be honest. Guess not only is sex bad for your future prospects, but so is being a neo-pagan lesbian. President Bush probably loves this movie, and is only disappointed that they didn't shoe horn in weapons of mass destruction. Am I ever getting off the beaten path with this review!

To Director LaBute's credit he leaves none of the plot elements hanging, though you'll be more apt to fall over them than get a post coital glow out of anything. Edward keeps checking his side arm, guess that'll come into play. The dude is allergic to bees, used once and must admit then discarded in one of those useless plot developments loved by the film challenged. Check the movie for all sorts of things to mark down then check off as they come into play.

Nicholas Cage (Edward) simply embarrasses himself in the movie. Cage is trying his best, but the script isn't offering any assistance besides throwing up the bear suite in a plot turn that outdoes James Earl Jone's locust outfit in Exorcist II. At least Cage gets to belt lesbos and kick doors in, though that gets boring after about five minutes. Ellen Burstyn (Sister Summersisle) has a badly written role and does nothing with it. And Kate Beahan (Willow) throws in a misguided attempt at something or other, her character seems to fluctuate via Beahan's expression and the actor fails to nail a pivotal moment.

Special mention of Molly Parker (Sister Rose) about the only person in front of the camera who can cash her pay cheque with a clean conscious.

The Gals are in for a treat on the T&A front, they get Nicky Cage in a bear suite! Don't tell me your not excited over there, every girl's fantasy is some manly man charging around trying to look like big foot. Guys get exactly what they expect, paying for the rental and munchies.

Angelo Badalamenti throws in a score that is both twee and over dramatic. In the Composer's favor he doesn;t have much to work with given what's going down on screen. Maybe he watched another movie while coming up with yet another heard it before effort, as the music is at times intrusive and does nothing to aid a near comatosed movie experience.

About everyone involved in this sorry excuse for a movie should be ashamed of himself or herself. Director LaBute has taken a classic, thrown it in the gutter, dosed it with petrol, and set it on fire. I watched the movie with the sort of attention a teenager brings to maths class. At stages I kept thinking this couldn't get any worse, only to be proved wrong as the movie headed downtown in Boredom City. The only bright note of the whole experience is that we should get a twin release with the original movie sometime soon. No recommendation on Wicker Man class of 2006, go catch the original to see a decent horror flick. The movie can't even be considered as a horror outing, as singularly there are no horror themes or developments happening during its run time. A very poor effort that got what it deserved, if wanting some honey on your bread then this isn't the place to look.

ScaryMinds Rates this movie as ...

  Nicky Cage needs a new agent when it comes to selecting horror flicks!