Review

Out in the Nebraskan cornfields the idyllic township of Gatlin is pretty much moving at its own pace, which would bore a snail to death. Thankfully the local preacher kid Isaac livens it up somewhat, though this does involve murdering all the adults. Clearly no one visits Gatlin as the town is left to its own devices with the children setting up a fundamental religious community that prays to "he who walks behind the rows". Added bonus is they sacrifice their own when they get beyond childhood.

Driving through Nebraska Corn Belt couple Burt and Vicky run down a kid who simply appeared in front of their car. Burt, who's like a Doctor, goes to check the damage and finds the kid had died of a slash throat before they hit him. Burt bundles the body into his boot, as you do, and hurtles towards the nearest town, no prizes for guessing its Gatlin. Town seems deserted to Burt and Vicky till they start finding the children, their problems just got a whole lot worse as Isaac decides the "outlanders" should be sacrificed to their god. Something of a corn hash brown ensues, hell of I know what that means but heck anyone give a toss about this film anyways?

So Children of the Corn, hence forth know in this review as COTC, is based on the short story of the same name by Stephen King that you can find in his first collection titled Night Shift. Where King creates something of a home spun yarn with some nasty intent the movie simply bloats things out and misses a chance to make something that will resonant with the viewer. I felt more like I had been corn holed by this flick than entertained to be honest, and for sure I didn't need the extra cheese lashed onto the cob.

Things start out in decidedly bad fashion when Linda Hamilton unleashes one of the top ten worse dance acts in a horror movie, fully rivalling Michael Caine's unfortunate number as Haogie in Jaws the Revenge. There's simply no way you can take the movie seriously from that point on, which unfortunately comes right at the start of the flick. It gets worse however right after Burt runs down the Gatlin kid out in the middle of nowhere. Since Burt is medically trained you would think he would notice the dead body he rolled over had mysteriously rolled back on to its stomach while he was getting a sheet from the car boot. I've got a feeling our Burt has done as much medical training as I have, which is to say nadda, zip, didn't I do a first aid course once?

Another Stephen King story brutalised by a poor movie

What's really sad about this movie is that Director Fritz Kiersch does pull off the odd awesome scene that pointed out there might be a much better movie trying to escape the film we are sitting through. The murder of the adults in the diner was pretty spot on, especially as the audience know it ain't going to be pretty before the diners do. Equally I had a slight chill when the kids, with weapons exposed, are closing in on the old guy at the gas station; you just know it ain't going to end well. Kiersch allows a bit of shadow to work for him and has the location, all about those never ending cornfields, working just right to create a spooky atmosphere.

But that's all she wrote folks, Kiersch is let down by the script George Goldsmith spewed forth, no doubt coming in to hack something together before Stephen King found a way of keeping his name off the movie posters.

For starters the movie drags like a night out in Hobart with your grandmother. Can't quite remember the length of the King source story, but think around 30 odd pages which would make half an hour of movie runtime. Somehow Director Kiersch has taken those 30 minutes and stretched them like a mofo to 90 minutes; there are whole periods of COTC where you are simply left stranded like a wall flower at a B&S ball waiting on something, anything, to happen. Okay I'm a great believer in building up some tension via introducing the characters, but when the characters aren't all that interesting to begin with you are in real trouble. And that's just for starters y'all.

Kiersch decides we need a narrator for the movie, I mean WTF it's not like this one is overly taxing in the brain department, and makes the mistake of picking a little kid to do the voice overs. That was simply irritating to be honest and I got the feeling the Director had no respect for the ten people likely to go watch this rubbish. But where it gets real irritating is when the cult kids start belting out the most melodramatic lines I've ever heard in a movie. I was about ready to put the remote through the screen when that deranged wranger Malachai screamed out "outlander" for about the 100th time.

The topping on this particular fandango of disappointment was "he who walks behind the rows", apparently the demonic entity is a gopher on steroids or something. We see a lot of ground movement but very little in the way of actual demon. There's some time lapsed clouds and a light show to make up for that shortcoming, though to be honest I'm calling short changed there. Highlight for mine was possessed Isaac, I mean did they get the work experience kid to apply the makeup there?

Gorehounds, who may have perked their ears up at the possibility of some blood work, are going to be in for a shocker, most of the murders are off screen excepting a slashed throat here or there that is clearly fake. Similarly the T&A isn't going down, Ms Hamilton keeps her top on throughout proceedings. Even the corn remains fully covered in this one. Sorry to disappoint folks, though the girls may get the odd treat thrown their way if they watch the movie intently.

Troubling for this Reviewer is there's a whole bunch more movies in the franchise, really haven't we suffered enough with the first one, and they are starting to bubble up the review queue. Tried to put the COTC up for adoption but no one was interested, so guess I'll grin and bare something, surely it can't get any worse than this particular journey into the inane. No recommendation, one horror franchise that should have been drowned at birth.