Review

Janet Slate takes Apartment 1303 in the high rise Lake View Apartments building, which irks her sister Lara as Janet didn't see the apartment before signing the lease on her apparently first ever listing. Seems Janet wants a place of her own as her alcoholic mother Maddie is way too much of a handful. From the first night Janet is uncomfortable in her new home which could be down to teleporting neighbour girls, the sleazy superintendant, or things going bump in the night. It's not long before Janet takes a high dive off her balcony just like a previous tenant of the apartment did.

Naturally Lara is upset by her sister's demise, for like ten minutes and strangely moves into Apartment 1303 to investigate the death. Along for the ride is Mark, Janet's boyfriend, and it's not long before the ghosts come out to play. Will Lara do something unique for white chicks, like actually getting out of the building, or will she become the next victim? The more important question is of course will anyone watching the movie really care!

Apartment 1303 is a remake of a Japanese movie of the same name, haven't seen that one, and I sure hope the original is better than this sorry load of old tosh. There's simply no saving grace anywhere in the U.S remake, the acting sucks, the script should have been dowsed with kerosene and set alight, and the actual chills and thrills are of the face palming variety. Who ever thought this movie made any sort of logical sense really needs to seek professional help as soon as possible, only someone with a few Roos loose in the top paddock would have thought this collection of cliché ridden scenes would make anything approaching a movie. To be honest Apartment 1303 doesn't even approach the level of first year movie making.

For the first half of the movie the audience are subjected to Janet, a high maintenance drama queen who I was hoping would last about five minutes. This character was more irritating than even Heather in The Blair Witch Project. I was hoping the local revenant hadn't taken the night off as Janet talks her way through unpacking her stuff at her new apartment, phoning her boyfriend cause she was to gormless to get out of Dodge, and doing everything but paint victim on her forehead. To compound the litany of anger this character generates, Julianne Michelle proves she couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag. Was she doing ballet moves at one stage? As the movie plodded along I was hoping someone would just shot me rather than having to watch Michelle lumber from one scene to the next. And no I really didn't need Janet to point out every plot point for me, you know I kind of pick that up from the visuals and didn't need to be told what was happening.

But at least Michelle can gain some comforted from the fact that the rest of cast phone it in as well, from the dark side of the moon during a lunar eclipse! What the hell was Rebecca De Mornay (Maddie Slate) thinking when she decided this role would look good on her resume?

A salient lesson in how not to make a horror movie

Perhaps the actors can be excused to a certain degree, everyone has to pay their rent and that's about all they'll get from this pound puppy, the script is diabolically bad, as in work of the devil. The dialogue is atrocious with both Janet and Lara coming off as brain dead bimbos, let's not even go near Maddie. Besides Janet talking to herself, and given the dialogue she is the only person who is going to listen to her, we have Lara making huge strides for the high maintenance brigade. Absolutely woeful comes to mind with heavy handed statements mixed in with meaningless drivel, the script is a complete mess.

All could be forgiven of course if the movie managed to send some chills our way, unfortunately it doesn't but I do applaud the Producers for hitting us with some of the more cut price thrills you are likely to see in a movie made in the new millennium. Our revenants are basically people with light make up on and in one case a chick just out of the shower wearing a frock. Sure there's some time lapse movement going down but really, this was the best you could come up with, I was so frightened I went and made coffee while waiting on something scary to happen, it didn't and I drunk enough coffee to be up peeing all night. For mine the chills were summed up by the scene where Janet is falling off her balcony and plummeting to her death, yes really, someone thought this would be cool to include. The scene is about as realistic as Sam Loomis' plunge down the Bates house steps in Psycho. Of course Psycho was filmed in 1960, what was Apartment 1303's excuse?

All this fatty goodness is wrapped up in Michael Taverna's below par directing that had me for one wondering if I shouldn't start making movies; clearly you don't need talent or training. Maybe Taverna was having an off day, was constrained by the budget, or threw his hands in the air like he just didn't care. Whatever the reason the pacing was off, this flick never gets out of first gear, the scenes looked staged, and for God's sake was it too much to ask for a couple of twists in the plot? Taverna is going through the motions here in a purely per functionary way that wouldn't be acceptable in a television drama.

There are a couple of scenes that have to be mentioned as they simply reek of the Director having no idea which tiger he has by the balls. During the course of the movie a couple of people remark there's a stench like something rotting, and toward the end of the movie we discover the cause of the smell, however nothing comes of it. And in my favourite scene a revenant is squatting in the kitchen sink playing with a knife; ladies and gentlemen I submit for your mirth the absolutely dumbest scene to have ever been committed to film in a horror movie.

Gorehounds will be safe in their kennels tonight as Apartment 1303 isn't playing for keeps or trying to shock us into something resembling being awake. Nothing much to write home about and the teens are simply going to walk out. T&A is reduced to Julianne Michelle showing off her work day black undies in an unnecessary sex scene that doesn't even warrant the term "exploitation". Even Mormons are going to be happy with this aspect of the flick; your tissue costs will not be increased by viewing, which I guess is some sort of plus for the environment.

So I scored a copy of Apartment 1303 in one of those JB HiFi buy two cheap movies and get one free deals. So I'm at least grateful that I didn't spend full price on this wall flower from the Prom of mediocrity. The movie was turgid, had non-sympathetic characters, and really spent 90 odd minutes not telling us an adequate story. No recommendation, don't even hire this movie when it hits the weekly bargain shelves. I visited the Apartment, decided there really was something smelling, and moved on to check the next address.