Review

Strange things are happening at the house couple Kelly and Ben are renting from Kelly's parents. Before you can say "paranormal activity" a presence is making the couple's life a misery, and worse than that threatening to drag them into some sort of "beyond". Kelly discovers Ben is hiding something that may be the root course of the haunting, did I mention "paranormal activity", and loses all trust she might still have for the dude.

A voice from the past, fellow student ghost raiser Patrick, arrives just in time to offer what may or may not be a solution but certain things won't be laid to rest that easily. A typical modern ghost story ensues with a layering of pseudo science and a whole bunch of really inane dialogue. Clearly the house also did in the decent script for this movie.

There's a ground swell of opinion on the net centering around the idea that The Apparition is one of the worse movies to have graced our screens in 2012. While I like to head out in different directions to the herd normally with this movie I found myself falling into line. For sure The Apparition isn't "found footage" for the sake of being "found footage", and thus cheap to make, nor does it go down the 3D path to overused town, but I got to say the movie pretty much does nothing for its 80 odd minutes of rambling. I found myself at stages hoping they would at least add some lashings of CGI carnage to have something happening, but alas the film makers didn't want to toss that table scrap in my direction either. As you probably know I love me some haunted house fun times, but Director/Writer Todd Lincoln was squeezing every ounce of enjoyment out of this one. We're kind of left with a cold withered movie that needed to be shot in the head to avoid possibly infecting other movies.

When the movie kicked off I kind of thought we might be heading into something cool, there's a team of students conducting a dubious experiment in a University boiler room. While the sequence isn't shot in "found footage" style there's a sort of similar feeling to proceedings. Naturally things go wrong, don't mess with the supernatural kids, and one of the students gets sucked into the neither world, or the beyond, or freaking Narnia or something. Director Lincoln doesn't feel the need to explain what's going down, and to be honest I wasn't exactly itching to find out. For what should be a spooky opening the film is sort of lack lustre and doesn't hit the sweet tension spot.

I would rather sit through a Liberal party election address than watch this movie again

We are then subjected to the World's most boring couple as we spend way too much time with Kelly and Ben, two American kids that form a significant part of the audience for Twilight no doubt. We get to see the couple at the end of the working day, we get to thrill to their house - which is sans personal touches, we get to go shopping with them, and wouldn't you know it she can kick his arse on the game consol. To be perfectly honest I was surprised either of these Muppets could actually work out how to turn on the consol, they must hit a remedial class in their spare time or something. By movie's end I was heartily sick and tired of this pair of twenty something boredom machines, pity they didn't get possessed by something with personality but guess that was way too much to ask for. Calling Toby, is there a demonic presence in the room?

Problematically for the movie Director Todd Lincoln is unable to get anything from his leads, as they shamble through scene after excruciating scene. There is zero chemistry between Ashley Greene and Sebastian Stan, made worse by both Actors phoning it in from the dark side of the moon. May I never ever be subjected to either Greene or Stan ever again, not too much to ask for right? Greene's performance here makes Vanilla, aka Kristen Stewart, look like an academy award winner!

There are some interesting angles to keep you marginally entertained in a movie that seems to think that a paranormal mould infestation is chilling, so at least Lincoln is showing signs of life behind the camera. Which is just as well really considering his script ranges from the standard "things happening because the script requires it" to the usual dumb decisions characters make in order to find themselves in worse situations and allowing the big scary to front them in more meaningful fashion. For example, knowing the house is the subject of supernatural malice Kelly kicks Ben out, thus ensuring she is alone for some ghost on chick action.

In case you are wondering we are definitely talking some PG13 stocking filler here so gorehounds might as well slink inside their kennels right now. On the T&A front Ashley Greene is prancing around in her knickers and tank top during one scene, which is all you're going to get. So yes welcome to teen horror central, for a genre that has a lot of adult supporters it's amazing just how many movies are pumped out by Boredwood each year aimed at the pretend to be scared crowd.

Overall there's not a lot happening in this movie and for sure there's nothing like tension let alone chills going down. At stages the movie threatens to throw some scares at you but that's about all she wrote. We're pretty much talking a chill tease here with poor dialogue, atrocious acting, and worse of all a general lack of anything approach some actual action going down for great stretches of the movie.

I sat down to The Apparition with a couple of the team and by mid point I was man alone as everyone else bailed. Excuses were given, tears were shed, but in the end no one was particular interested in listening to me. No recommendation on this movie folks, watching paint dry would be a better use of your time to be honest. Can't say I was exactly bored by the movie but I didn't exactly do the happy naked dance either. View at your own risk kids, or even better move on with your life.