Review

College emo Josh has been acting slightly weird lately, well okay weirder than your average goth wannabe emo can aspire to. Seems Josh has hacked into some dude named Douglas Ziegler's computer and discovered old Dougie is working on some powerful wireless signal that has had the unfortunate side effect of unleashing an evil force. No that's not AOL, could you keep it down in the back row, there will be a spot test at the end of this review. Girlfriend Mattie heads over to Josh's crib to check up on hacker boy and is just in time to witness Josh hanging himself. Now that's real emo for you, and Josh sure needed a "cuddle me" emo moment. (Don't blame me my son came out with that one, frack I'm quoting eleven-year-olds now).

Mattie is naturally traumatized, and with her hip Scooby gang is soon tracking down the story behind Josh's biting the big one. Maybe he got free passes to this movie or something? Things aren't going well with Josh IMing from beyond the grave a single message "help me". As more and more people disappear, and suicide rates skyrocket it could be the end of the World as we know it. And no I wasn't feeling fine after 90 odd minutes of this tosh. Can Mattie with new found friend Dexter save the day, or are we in the headlights of a possible Pulse 2? I really don't care; a disjointed hash by the Weinsteins ensues. Ready to check the signal online?

I really wanted to catch this movie to see if the Yanks couldn't pull off another The Ring or The Grudge in the J-Horror remake hayride to hell. Unfortunately the Australian distributor pulled the movie at the last moment from cinemas in 2006 leaving me waiting on the DVD release. Naturally I got caught up reviewing a whole bucket load of other movies and only got round to this one last night. If I had of done a little research and came up with sell out Wes Craven in the writing credits, and the Weinstein Bros involved in Production I would have given Pulse a wide berth to be honest. And there you go kids, do your homework to avoid the pain is the lesson of the day. After the opening credits my worse fears were realised, another movie out of Hollywood that has nothing to say for itself beyond "hey can I put my hand in your pocket and grab that spare $20".

Director Jim Sonzero is trying his best here, and given the glimpses of the kick arse movie trying to get out of this scrum of mediocrity one is left with the feeling that some post production editing and re-shoots finished off what could have been a pretty solid genre outing. Sonzero captures Kiyoshi Kurosawa's feeling and atmosphere from the 2001 original Japanese movie, all about that washed out visual touch, and adds some pretty decent licks himself. People disappearing at a rapid rate is highlighted by repeated scenes of a college common area with the number of students loitering about gradually diminishing as the movie progresses. The Director nails things with Mattie looking around a formally crowded lecture room noting either the match is on or the student body is disappearing. Must be tough graders at this campus. I'm all for those visual clues adding texture to a movie but naturally the effect achieved is ruined by a couple of pop up characters neon sign posting what's happening for the intellectually challenged. (Brad Douriff what the hell were you thinking signing on here). And that in a nutshell is what's completely wrong with Pulse. The movie is made for teens with the intelligence of sea mollusks and the attention span of Kylie fans. Sonzero is going all out with the visuals; the scriptwriters simply don't give a damn about engaging their audience. Actually that's what's wrong with the whole horror genre recently, hence the box office massacre currently happening.

Comparisons to the original movie simply can't be avoided, as the general feeling I had through out Pulse was that critical scenes from Kario were included as a checklist for required shoots during the remake. Even the plane going down is lifted whole from the original and dropped into this movie, now that's just lazy film making at the best of times. A few spoilers here so skipped to the next paragraph to avoid if planning to torture yourself with Pulse at some stage. We get the spooky chick ghost, where is she, oh there she is overhead, the red duct tape, the person deep sixing off the water tower etc etc. In Kario these scenes were crucial in adding to the plot and development of themes, in Pulse they are simply wasted and have no impact on the audience. Well okay maybe if you are a Kylie fan and haven't seen a horror movie in say the last decade or so you may get your money's worth. Sonzero nails one original scene, and by heck it's a money shoot. You will know the scene when it comes up during the movie, visually stunning.

The movie makers here had no clue what was happening in the original and simply aimed their movie at brain dead teens

The original movie lent itself to a whole statement on the perils of modern telecommunications, alienation, the advent of the insular culture, being the tip of the techno iceberg, Pulse is having none of this film school rubbish mainly due to the film makers not being good enough to add even a single sub plot to the cooking pot. They are making a cheap rip to get on the gravy train, and it shines on through in this turgid remake. What we are left with is a movie full of plot holes, and with internal logic shot to pieces. I was banging my head on my desk with the smorgasboard of mistakes served up here luke warm and congealing.

Director Sonzero may be doing some things right but overall he presents a trite and "seen it before" effects potpourri of disdain. (Anyone else thinking I'm stretching this review into David Lynch territory?). Besides a singular lack of character development, who the flock are these people, Sonzero lacks the chill factor and can't even bring off a single jump moment. Okay slightly jaded, have seen the original movie so know what's coming up. We get the stutter ghostie thing, the quick jump frames, and the jagged cuts to close up. Seen it before dudes and have the T-shirt, which reads "Get a freaking original idea!"�

Our thespians are the usual assortment of actors no one making a serious movie would cast as bit players. Kristen Bell (Mattie) is doing her very best Sarah Michelle Gellar impression, without realising Buffy makes less at the box office than Lindsay Lohan when it comes to horror flicks. Bell doesn't change expression during the entire course of the movie, and I was freaking hoping some CGI inclined ghoul would take her out by the second act. Ian Somerhalder (Dexter) came across as wondering why the flock he was doing this movie, and I don't blame him, poorly written character. Who was he again? Christina Milian (Isabel) did what she could, but we're talking paper-thin here, Meryl Streep would have been hard pressed to do anything with the character. Jonathan Tucker (Josh) is about the only actor who comes off well, he plays it all intense and is the single character you will groove to.

If ghostly white CGI dudes turn that dial for you dig on in here, for the rest of us nadda on the T&A front. Pulse might have been saved to a certain extent if Kristen Bell had of got her "dirty pillows" out, but hey the Weinsteins are pretty prudish about that sort of thing. Opps should rephrase that, the Weinsteins know their audience, and boobs would have put the rating beyond the young teen set.

Elia Cmiral rolled a score for the movie that is simply wasted in this hash job. Nice spooky touches, and the use of incidental sounds aimed to add the chill layer missing from the visuals. Hey at least it's a credit, and no one bothered seeing the movie anyway. That's a win for Cmiral end of day.

Have I written enough about this movie yet? Hell yeah, one sentence was a couple of words too much, that's a wrap.

I was slightly miffed at Pulse not getting an Australian cinema release, but end of day the Distributor and preview audience were correct in their decision to pull the movie at the last moment. This flick is the cinema equivalent to chowing down on a Big Mac. You know exactly what you are getting, the ingredients are all the same, and it tastes like crap from first to last bite. There's a conveyor belt mentality in Hollywood in regards to cranking out movies, and with Pulse that mentality has switched to J-Horror remakes. What was once the saviour of the horror genre is now, along with Eli Roth and Rob Zombie, doing it's best to sink the genre once again. Pulse is simply an exercise in raising cash for the studio and has zero merit as a filmatic experience. Did I enjoy the movie? Slightly entertained, at stages wondered if the curtains needed washing, and was left with the taste of stale popcorn as the only lasting impression when the end credits rolled.

Pulse had a budget of $20.5 million and managed $20.2 North American on the way to a poor $29.7 million WorldWide. As stated the movie didn't get a theatre release Downunder. That's a miss for the Weinsteins and Dimension Pictures. Naturally the movie has spawned a couple of sequels, who are the numb nuts who make these decisions? In 2009 expect twin straight to DVD releases, Pulse: Afterlife and Pulse: Invasion.

In terms of a recommendation for Pulse, Jonathan Tucker the only person with credibility intact from the movie, had his name removed from the opening credits. That should answer that question. A very poor attempt at a scare flick, Pulse is not worth your time in country. The moviemakers are simply out to make a quick buck and have delivered one of the worse movies made in 2006. Kylie fans rejoice, someone is making movies for you, the rest of us can happily go on with our lives safe in the knowledge the sequels will be crap as well.

Oh and that spot test:

Q. If it's a choice between watching Pulse or putting your head in a boiling pot of oil, which is the preferred option?

A. After the boiling oil at least you will be feeling something.