Review

A group of disposable and easily forgotten twenty-something teens in Colorado cover up the death of a friend caused by a prank gone wrong. Exactly one year after the death they get the message as something or someone starts stalking them with a mind to making them really regret their past actions. Someone throw me a coffee over here, this isn't exactly the most unique plot I have every heard of, and considering it's the third movie in the series it's not likely to be a decent experience either.

You all know the drum, work out who’s going to bite the bullet in what order, and who our final gal is going to be. No brainer this time round, as boredom ensues. Let’s go fishing.

The original movie in this series, which started the whole unbelievably long titles, was simply attempting to cash in on the success Wes Craven enjoyed with his tongue firmly in cheek farce Scream. Wes was winking at the audience and letting us know he was taking the piss out of slashers, while at the same time making a slasher epic. In one of those great trying to have your cake and eat it at the same time moments, Wes didn't managed to fool Critics or Reviewers with their game plan on. It did however bring the term "post-modern" into vogue, which meaning seems to elude a lot of people, most notably Reviewers. Wes Craven's ditty isn't in any sense of the term "post-modern", and hence we'll sink that sucker punch term right here, right now. Oh yeah, we're reviewing this storm in a teacup, let's get the knives out!

The opening of this film managed to irritate the crap out of me. Director White goes for the fast cut montage as he gets this theme park ride out of the garage and stuck in first gear throughout. I was actually developing a headache, as White seemed to be totally unaware he was making a low budget slasher, and tried for something in the art house realm of cinematic splendour. Get over yourself White, stop the drugs, and make the film people dialled in for. You know, the one involving tension, jump scenes, and making us remember some well-crafted scenes. This fast-paced editing is used throughout the movie and I was pretty much ready to put my dogs through the screen by about the third instalment of rapid, and totally unnecessary cuts. Did someone smuggle some Colorado ski resort advertising rushes in here or something? There must be some explanation, as the whole concept simply leapt off the highway from the word go.

Just when you think things can't get worse in the slasher genre along comes this movie

The movie starts proper with a fairground, sort of like the festival in the original, and we get the "Fisherman" in action pretty quickly. I had this pegged as a prank from the get-go, cause there was nothing else to explain the substandard crafting of the opening gambit. Don't they have a police presence at these things in the US? Oh, they do: it's the Keystone Cops. Anyways, I might have made the right call on the opening, but heck that turned out to be better than the drivel masquerading as the real movie we get for the rest of the running time.

Just reviewing my notes here, I do make them in order to put something coherent together you know. I've jotted down: false scare scenes galore, dialogue is atrocious, good use of long shots to bring the locations into the movie, some weird angles, red filters, and those quick cut scenes. Can we do a capsule review here and call it quits?

One of the dubious pleasures of slashers is stereotyping the major characters and working out who final gal will be. We certainly get the cookie cutter characters, but Weiss fumbles the final gal development. This movie throws up Amber, our final gal (oops, plot spoiler), Zoe the rock chick, Colby the requisite arsehole, and Roger, who is meant to be the odious comic relief but who simply devolves into a disposable character by the middle of the movie. We also get Lance the blue-collar dude with the heart of gold, we know he's blue collar cause he has stubble and actually freaking does stuff in the movie.

In parts this movie threatens to break with the tradition of all slashers, with the various teens in jeopardy actually having some smarts. At one stage Amber decides they should stick together and get out of Dodge pretty quickly, told ya we had our final gal. Naturally this doesn't happen as Zoe is playing a concert with some music producers or something in the audience. Anyone else now getting the deal with these types of movies? Yep, it's culling the herd of future potential Republican voters!

Besides White showing us he stayed awake in film school with his shenanigans, the movie lags like a bad dream, and just like a bad dream it seems to go on for decades. Just think the same movie as the original but without the production values or Craven's ability to get things moving at a decent clip.

On a side note, the concept of the dude out to avenge the death of his son used in the first couple of movies is totally jettisoned in this one. The "Fisherman" is now some urban myth of the revenant spirit type. Why exactly this development took place is never adequately explained. Guess the writers figured the intended audience wouldn't overly care.

Brooke Nevin (Amber) took on the Jennifer Love Hewitt role, and did a pretty decent job of it overall. Not her fault the movie edged up to suck city, and then simply drove downtown. Would like to see Nevin in something a bit better than this load of steaming offal to make a call on her chops in the acting department. Torrey DeVitto (Zoe) gets to go SMG on our arses, and falls flat on hers. Her saving grace was she was good to look at from the perv value side of the street. Seith Packard (Roger) was simply the disposable dude, and didn't get one iota of help from the script. We were waiting for the "Fisherman" to notch up a victim there.

Everyone else simply trades in their acting credentials, gets a pay cheque, and heads into that dark night of obscurity reserved for straight to TV and DVD actors. All the best with that job application down MacDonald's, the only line you'll need is "do you want fries with that?".

As we expect with teeny-bopper schlock, the T&A is woefully thin on the ground. The guys get Brooke Nevin in a bra shot, the gals get dudes who work out a the gym showing off the upper body work. Gone are the glory days of the 1980s when we could have expected hooterville and the possibility of a full frontal.

Surprisingly Justin Caine Burnett throws down a decent score for this substandard flick of the absurd. He hits the high notes with some tension, some dark underpinnings, and an atmospheric take on things. The dude deserved a better movie to show off his class.

I'll Always Know presents one tedious title to type, and one tedious movie to back that up with. The film is simply a rehash of the original, but without the production values, and with a Director that thinks he's making something for the NYC coffee shop crowd. Was not impressed over here, and was hugely relieved as the end credits rolled. The standard slasher elements are there, a death every so often to ensure people are still watching, dumb teens, and an antagonist who deploys the out of shot teleportation card as the script requires. What the movie singularly fails to do is go anywhere original, or try to at least break the mould of its sub genre. A pretty low standard straight to DVD horror flick results.

This movie was announced back in 2000 and was meant to have the surviving characters and actors from the previous two outings. The producers dicked around with the concept, dropped the original script, and pretty much ensured they ended up with a straight to DVD movie. Jennifer Love Hewitt was touted as getting a cameo in the movie, but this turns out to be more your cynical internet rumour mongering than a reality.

Don't even bother renting this one when it hits the $2 bin, you'll be wasting your money otherwise. On the bright side of the hook, it's definitely a franchise killer so pop the champagne corks on that knowledge. I do have this horrible notion that some studio type in Boredwood will decide director White can actually make a movie and throw some coin his way. The result will be complete bollock for the post MTV lack of attention crowd. End of day we'll always know those movies will tank. I'm done and dusted, and we have a slasher review finally. Can we now get back to the decent genre outings?