Embryo (2006)

Sex :
Violence :
Director Ralph Nelson
Writers Anita Doohan, Jack W. Thomas
Starring Rock Hudson, Barbara Carrera, Diane Ladd, Roddy McDowall
Genre Genetics
Tagline From Embryo to woman in 4 and a half weeks.
15 second cap Tortured Artists finds new uses for power tools in dystopian New York
Country

Review

"The film you are about to see is not all science fiction. It is based upon medical technology which currently exists for foetal growth outside the womb. It could be a possibility tomorrow…or today." - Charles R. Brinkmen III, M.D. (Chucky, when the drugs ain't working it's time to hit the tequila ,dude)

Dr Paul Holliston does research, and like all mad scientists has a fully equipped lab at home. He's a professional kids, so leave the Frankenstein stuff alone. Anyways, the Doc hasn't been doing much research since his wife died in some unexplained fashion, but he holds himself responsible, so there's something from the bogus back plotting. All this changes one rain-swept night when Holliston runs down a Doberman that appears solely at the suggestion of the screenwriters. The Doc is immediately into dog-saving mode, but gets sidetracked when he discovers he is a she, and the doggie is pregnant, and hey let's take a walk on the wild side … and all the coloured girls go ….

Long story short, our resident mad scientist has an instant aging formula that he believes will save the puppies as mom doggie isn't long for the world and is headed for that big food bowl in the sky. One uber smart puppy survives and ages real quickly into a cute adult doggie with more intelligence than anyone forking out money to watch the movie. Satisfied that he has dialled into God mode, Dr Holliston next tries out the 101 spices on a human foetus, derived from a dying drug addict (as opposed to what the back cover of my DVD claimed). A mature human female results who is without the required emotional development, anyone else guess where this one is headed? Due to getting the formula wrong MacBurger, Dr Holliston also adds in the one scary part of the movie: Victoria (his bake and shake instant human) needs the drugs man to avoid aging, and guess where she can score them? An absolutely woeful movie ensues.

Hey, let's check out the lab, and see what's on the slab.

An all star cast proves monthly payments on Porsches don't come cheap in Hollywood.

I have a love-hate relationship with my nearest Dick Smith store. Any given day of the week I can head on in for some electronic goodness, but generally come away from the place with a DVD I simply had to get due to its $2 price tag. This means I get to watch some woefully inept movies I wouldn't normally bother with, and then just have to tell people about said movies. In terms of the glass half full or not thing, I should have saved my $2 for something equally disappointing, but with at least a modicum of interest; the glass here isn't so much half filled, as completely drained.

The main problem I have with Embryo is that the movie takes its cautionary science theme deadly seriously and is probably trying to warn us of the dangers of dabbling with the preserve of God, or perhaps not adequately training your Doberman, or something else. Those cuts to Michelangelo's David must mean something, right? Guess I missed the point, as I was more concerned with whether or not I should go score some more water in my empty glass.

One scene in this movie stands out. Director Nelson clearly wanted it to sound the alarm bells, but it had me rolling round the floor laughing my arse off. Dr Holliston heads into some hospital or other with the purpose of getting a human foetus to experiment on, and takes the uber intelligent doggie with him. As soon as the Dr exits stage left into the hospital, the Doberman, using its super-intelligence, opens the car door and does some hood hanging. Not quite sure why exactly, maybe it was waiting on Snoop Doggie to make the scene? Anyways, one of those irritating barking lap dogs immediately runs up and starts voicing objections to its pitch being invaded. Uber intelligent dog just sits back, and amazingly we get a prop paw waving in the air for no apparent reason for a number of frames; dude, what was this dog smoking and where can I score some of that herb, mon. The scene ends with the Doberman grabbing the lap dog, shaking it all about, and then hiding the body in a shrubbery. The whole thing is played out deadly serious, but come on now, who isn't sniggering by the end of it.

The attack of the uber killer Doberman sums up everything that is wrong with this movie. As filmed the scene is meant to be scary, I guess, and hints that Dr Holliston is about to find out why Dr Frankenstein wasn't entirely playing with a full deck. What we're actually left with however is something that might have been cut from a Mel Brooks flick, science that hits the realms of goofiness, and a feeling that it just should have been a dark and stormy night. The rest of the movie surprisingly pales in comparison.

Director Nelson simply doesn't have the panache to make a film, and the audience are subjected to the most ponderous experience imaginable. I really need to invent a new term to put "lagging" out of its misery, as Nelson goes out of his way to put the audience to sleep with a movie that never gets out of first gear. There's some decent enough ideas going down here, but the delivery is wide of the mark, and the scare tactics simply aren't working.

Rock Hudson (Dr Paul Holliston) takes the lead in this travesty, and at least we can claim we reviewed a movie with one of the main men of Hollywood. Hudson looks well past his use by date in this movie and isn't even trying. Slumming doesn't come into it; maybe the Rock was desperate for parts and prepared to take on anything that kept his name in lights.

Barbara Carrera (Victoria) sort of worked for me as she's at least trying, but given the overwhelmingly bad movie pretext doesn't have much to save. Diane Ladd (Martha) takes on a fill-in role, and gets the only character sans roos in the top paddock. Good performance, though slightly on the un-needed side of the medical examination table. Roddy McDowall (Frank Riley) gets a cameo and indicates that if there is a pay cheque involved he'll do any old shite.

T&A whops it up with Barbara Carrera going nekkid on us. Unfort I was so bored by this stage I simply didn't care and wanted out of Dodge. The ladies get a pretty buff looking Doberman, life ain't fair.

Surprisingly the score was provided by yours truly. Oh wait, no, that was me snoring and you will miss that particular goodness while watching the movie. Make your own one up on a Hammond organ, you can't do any worse than Gil Melle's turgid effort here.

People who claim Ed Wood is the worst movie maker in the history of motion pictures clearly have never seen Embryo. Sure, director Nelson is more technically proficient than old Ed, but he simply fails to invoke anything like interest in the film, then lifts some pretty heavy ideas into the air and simply drops them. Of interest only for Rock Hudson slumming it, and to see what sort of roles Roddy McDowall will stoop to. I was bored writing the review so you can imagine my experience with the actual movie.

About the only interesting trivia I could find on this movie was that the Studio held it back a year from release, deeming the content too disturbing for audiences. Have to agree with them, the appalling lack of filmmaking ability was disturbing to me and they could have held the movie back indefinitely as far as I'm concerned. Though hey this one is done and dusted.

Don't even go there, you will simply fall asleep. A totally inept movie on all fronts that wastes a star-studded cast. Self-abuse is probably a better option than spending time with an Embryo that should have been aborted.

ScaryMinds Rates this movie as ...

   Boring and self important